This Girl is Not An Island

Cancer (Chemo?) PTSD

2012-01-25T13:21:00.003-06:00

I had a routine check-up with my oncologist this morning and all is well.

It's been a year since I finished chemo. I feel quite well, thank you. My hair is back in full curly unruliness. The nerve damage that made my hands and feet numb/tingly/swollen/painfully cold-sensitive is slowly but steadily healing. Hands are 100% well; my feet still tingle all the time but are much improved.

Going to the doctor's office didn't feel like a Woo-hoo-I'm-better! celebration, it was more of a Wow-I-hate-this-place stressor. No one there is offended. I'm sure it's a common experience for patients who are in remission. When my doctor asked how I was feeling told I was stressed about being with her. She laughed and referred to post-traumtic stress disorder. I can't imagine what her days are like, seeing patients in such wildly varied stages of physical and emotional health.

***********
Sam walked through the living room last week and, reading a button someone gave me last year, asked, "Mom, why does that says Cancer Sucks?" Oh, dear. Because it's true. Now please don't use that word again for at least 15 years.

I'm With Her

2012-01-18T10:00:00.002-06:00

I loved this essay about the joy and drudgery of parenting so much I have to share it with you. I was laughing and weeping and Owen kept asking "What, Mommy?" I almost said, "Somebody else's mom is telling the truth."

Happy Birthday Oma!

2012-01-16T15:15:00.001-06:00

Cousins Molly and Audrey celebrate in style.

Ben's grandma is a New Year's Eve baby, and she rang out 2011 by turning 90. Woo hoo! Last Friday we were in Minnesota for the big celebration.

The five great-grandchildren (Sam, Jude, Owen and their two cousins) serenaded Oma enthusiastically, to the well-known tune from Bye, Bye Birdie:

Matching red shirts from the family portrait session.

Happy birthday Oma!

We love you Oma

Oh yes we do

We love you Oma

Your cookies rule.

When we're not with you

We're blue.

Oh, Oma

We love you.

Open Adoption Book Tour: "Found"

2012-01-14T21:21:00.000-06:00

This post is part of a book tour of Found: A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. The end of this post will guide you to other bloggers who are participating in the tour.

I am the adoptive mother of three boys, each from a different birthfamily, each placed with us during the first several weeks of his life. We have open relationships with our sons’ birthfamilies and get to see them regularly. God bless Facebook! When our sons were born, we were still making plans about schedules for mailing letters and photos. Now we keep in touch through Facebook posts and photos. This blog exists in part because I wanted our sons’ birthfamilies to be able to know how the boys are as often - or as infrequently - as they needed.

Lauck's memoir about coming to terms with her identity as an adoptee was compelling, agitating, challenging... all kinds of things for me but none of them easy. Now to the 3 questions I chose to address in this tour.

1. On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?

The specificity of this passage struck me as far-fetched: "outrage, panic and terror" that leads to shock-related unconsciousness? How on earth would we know this is what's happening? Newborn babies sleep a lot and coping with life in the outside world is stressful. She lost me.

However... I clearly recall walking down the hall in the maternity unit at the hospital after my oldest son was born. He was in the bassinet with his birthmom walking on one side and me on the other. She and I were talking and I noticed he turned toward her when she spoke. What a reminder that she is his first mom, that his bond with her, his need for her, is unique and I do not replace her. I consider it a part of my responsibility as his adoptive mother to nurture his connection with his birthmom so that he can feel secure in the knowledge that he has been loved since before he was born. I also want him to understand that I respect his relationship with his birthfamily.

2. In reading this book, I, an adoptive mother, was struck by how less than ideal Jennifer's childhood was. My instinct is to blame the death of her adoptive parents and the subsequent bouncing around, abuses, etc that she suffered, for her trauma and feelings of abandonment as opposed to looking to the fact that she was adopted. Obviously I have a vested interest in this perception and I am acutely aware of this and that I need to force my mind to stay open to see the entire picture. I wonder what others think...am I alone in trying to downplay the adoption issue? Is her experience magnified because of her repeated experiences of trauma/abandonment or are her feelings fairly typical of adult adoptees?

Ditto! This is the overriding question for me. How does Lauck’s experience relate to my sons’ experiences? Apart from being adopted, their lives seem completely different. I appreciate that every adopted child suffers a loss when separated from his or her birthparents, but the adoption process is - in our experience - infinitely more open and, I would say, healthier than Lauck’s. I think there is much to be gained from hearing Lauck’s experience and I think that the variables matter. Every child needs security and unconditional love, and perhaps Lauck’s story suggests that being adopted may, for some children, intensify the need for reassurance.

Among my three children I see wide variations in their natural ability to comfort and reassure themselves and to trust that they are loved and valuable. One of my children seems more susceptible than his brothers to feeling insecure or inferior, while another of my children interprets most of life as basically fair and readily applauds his own successes. I cannot explain these differences. I do try to work with them to give each child what he seems to need from me.

3. My question is about Jennifer's early adoption narrative as "God's gift". because I see my adopted son as a gift from God. Jennifer turns this metaphor on its ear when after hearing her brother's declaration, "You're adopted and gypsy trash". She seems to suggest that that early narrative was misleading and, ultimately, the cause of her feelings of inadequacy and failure because she was unable to save her mother's life. How do you talk your children about their adoption story, particularly when they are very young and unable to grasp all of life's complexities?

The circumstances of Lauck’s adoption are appalling to me. Special favors from a doctor who is willing to ignore the adoptive mother’s major health issues? A family who simultaneously labels a child “stubborn” and interprets her existence in the family as a sign that God will heal her adoptive mother? No child, whether she is raised in her family of birth or an adoptive family, deserves that responsibility. I consider my children a gift from God, but I do not mean that God has sent them to reassure me or to make my life easier. It means He has entrusted them to me and I depend on Him to supply what I need to care for them.

I suppose that I talk to my children about being adopted in a pretty matter-of-fact way. I want to assure them that they have always been loved without saying anything we’ll need to unwind later. We talk about how the kids grew inside their birthmoms, and that we are so thankful that we get to be their mom and dad. I try to honor the distinctive roles of their birthparents, who gave them life and chose us to raise them, and of us as adoptive parents, who nurture them now and always. We think of our sons' birthfamilies as extended family. We are all thankful for each other’s unique role in the life of our family and want to be present for the sake of these boys.

To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

What's for Dinner?

2012-01-09T15:01:00.001-06:00

I love to cook. I do not love to plan meals every. single. day. for three opinionated little boys and their delightful father. They would love to eat cheeseburgers and meatloaf and meatballs and cheeseburgers and pizza and cheeseburgers every day. They are none too interested in my meal-planning criteria: How many vegetables can I squeeze into this meal? Does it have some interesting flavors? Do I feel like cooking it tonight?

This weekend I made a black bean and butternut squash soup that went over better than I expected. Sam was really hungry, so eat his whole serving (plus 3 slices of cheese bread and some yogurt). Jude and Owen picked at it valiantly. No one screamed in pain at the sight of a bowl of vegetables.

Tonight we're going to try pasta and meatballs. Just frozen meatballs simmered in tomato sauce. I don't think I've ever done that before but they usually like wads of meat, so I think it will work out.

What are you having for dinner tonight? I'm keen for some new pre-approved ideas!

Easiest Job, Part II

2012-01-08T16:08:00.002-06:00

After Sam identified full-time parenting as the world's easiest job, he (or one of his brothers) asked why I don't have a job like Dad's. You know, one with a paycheck. I took the opportunity to advise them regarding the pros and cons of such an arrangement:

There would be some nice things about Mom having a regular job. "Yeah," Sam says, "we'd have piles of money everywhere! Like there'd be a pile over there, and another one over here. And you'd say 'Here, Sam, have some MONEY!'"

But even if I worked while you were at school, there are a lot of things I wouldn't have time to do. For example, who would make dinner? "I would because I'm the oldest," Sam says with great confidence.

Who would do the laundry? "Me! Me! Because I'm very strong," Jude volunteers. "And Owen could do the silverware." (Owen's usual job is putting away clean silverware from the dishwasher.)

Who would clean the bathrooms? Pause. "Um, we ... all would."

Great! What about going to the grocery store? Long pause. "We could go on our bikes!" "No, we'd get in trouble for riding our bikes there!"

And what we do if you got sick and needed someone to pick you up from school and take care of you? Long pause. More pause.

That's the clincher. Everything else we could delegate or hire out, but when you're sick you really need your mom.

The Easiest Job

2012-01-05T20:02:00.001-06:00

eldest child - Mom, what is the easiest job in the whole world?

me - I don't know. I'm not sure there are any really easy jobs.

ec - I KNOW! It's being a mom!

thankful to be seeing the humor in this, - You think so? Do I make it look easy?

ec - You do!

Who would have guessed, two days post Vacation-Stressed-Out-Mom, Sam would feel this way. Selective memory is a precious gift.

Winter Break Coping Skills

2011-12-29T08:38:00.001-06:00

This is how I cope with two weeks off of school.

The week before Christmas I toted them off to my parents' house where life is more exciting and loving grown-ups more readily available than at home. Now, for the week after Christmas, our project is regaining control of ourselves. I think some families can do that in a day or two. We need a week.

Since we are in the eight o'clock hour, the boys are playing on their own. They are in the playroom sumo wrestling with pillows stuffed up their shirts and taunting each other with potty words.

**********

The chalkboard is painted on the wall in our kitchen. I was a little uncertain about whether I would like it but I LOVE IT. Sam is not fond of surprises so posting the day's plans or the dinner menu helps him feel more calm. Sometimes.

We also have their school calendar and classroom schedules for art/music/library posted under the chalkboard, so that wall is a general reference point for questions about what day it is and how long until... and are my library books due today? One of these days they will understand how to figure that out on their own.

Nana and Pop-Pop Christmas

2011-12-27T15:58:00.002-06:00

The boys finished school more than a week before Christmas, so we took the opportunity to hit the road and visit my parents for the holidays. It was a GREAT way to spend a week that would have been intolerably slow at home w-a-i-t-i-n-g for Christmas Day. We came home just in time for Christmas Eve with Ben.

At the Zoo

Fifty degrees! Heat wave! Great day to prowl the zoo.

Tic Tac Toe

Owen challenged my dad to a billion games of tic-tac-toe.

Riddle Mania

My mom said they read this riddle book three times. We listened to these riddles the rest of the week.

Math Homework in Kindergarten?!

This video sums up what I most enjoyed about our week: 3 adults for 3 kids, plenty of time for slow-moving fun. Here everyone is doing some kind of math game and SO happy.

Christmas Road Trip

2011-12-20T10:21:00.000-06:00

Kentucky Christmas: The boys and I are visiting my parents in Louisville this week. We'll go home before Christmas, but being here reminds me of what Christmas was like before I married Ben and became an upper Midwesterner. It's 50 degrees here. Yesterday we went to the zoo and it seemed like perfect outdoor weather to me, but my dad teased us about going outside when it's so "cold".

When I was in high school my English class was held in a trailer (until the fire dept. said that was hazardous). In the winter my early-morning class complained of the cold and Mr. Walsh told us we weren't cold we were just afraid of death. Your body can handle the cold but your brain is reminded of death, he said. I put on a scarf and adored Mr. Walsh. In my book, eccentricity is an essential element of good high school pedagogy.

I am eager to visit a bookstore this week, since Borders' bankruptcy means NOT ONE BOOKSTORE within 5 miles of my house. Grrr. Next time you go to the library, spend 5 minutes on It's A Book by Lane Smith. Here's a teaser, ironic edition:

The List is an Anaconda

2011-12-15T10:19:00.000-06:00

the endless list
of things to be done--

that no matter how many
I cross off, keeps growing
so that my love says
his tombstone will read
he had more stuff to do.

The list is an anaconda.
The list is a self
perpetuating monster
that gives birth constantly
like a queen ant

sending us workers
scurrying.

{excerpted from The romantic getaway by Marge Piercy}

I am not ordinarily much of a list person. My life does not require it. I will remember to cook dinner and fold laundry and read to children without writing it down and crossing it off.

December is different. This year's Christmas demands listmaking. I haven't "done" Christmas for the last few years. Illness, moves, small children: all more urgent than baking and widespread gift-giving. Last year I remember talking with a friend about choosing gifts for our kids' teachers and I mentioned that I would forgo the obligation because of chemo. "Lucky!" she said. It took both of us a moment to realize it wasn't, actually, lucky.

Because the list is an anaconda.

I have been very excited about Christmas this year, largely because I have the time and energy to do as much as I want. I keep thinking I am near the end of the things I want to do and tomorrow I can skip list making and then Whoomp! there it is.

Here is the beginning of my 2012 New Year's Resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.

Hair!

2011-12-12T09:58:00.003-06:00

Owen and I were playing around with my new camera (my old camera met a tragic end when I put it in my back pocket and then fell onto my rear on the sidewalk) and he took this surprisingly nice photo of me.

Check out all that hair!

I think it was just about a year ago that I had it cut painfully short because the chemo caused so much to fall out. Just found it. The photo from January 3 of this year:

Wow. I look a lot healthier now. Every once in a while someone comments on how well I look and I wonder what all the fuss is about. Now I see.

Today I am thanking God for my recovery and to praying for His comfort and care for the people who are spending this holiday with cancer.

Pants on by 8:00

2011-12-08T09:34:00.001-06:00

A friend and I were comparing notes about our daily schedules recently. My friend has a young son and a day job, so weekday mornings start early. I told her that when preschool mom friends ask if I can watch their kids for a few minutes before school I tell them, "I have to go out to the bus stop with Sam and Jude, so I always have my pants on by 8:00 a.m."

This morning is like a recipe for a good day:

6:00 Wake up 30 minutes before alarm. Discuss with self the relative merits of staying in bed or going for a walk.

6:15 Go for a walk.

7:00 Get home to a screaming child in the kitchen and a sleepy child on the steps. Dad is dealing with screamer, so I get the sleeper for a cuddle.

8:00 Put two boys on the bus. Play tickle with boy #3.

8:30 Watch Owen play Northwestern vs. Baylor basketball in the hallway while I shower. (He was reliving an exciting game he saw on Sunday.)

9:00 Deliver Owen for his first time at drop-in playtime program at Bethel. Wrap Christmas gifts ALL ALONE with the music of my choice at the volume of my choice.

Merry Christmas to me!

Owen's Double Facts

2011-12-06T09:35:00.001-06:00

Owen is a master of math double facts. This morning I am working at my computer and Owen is harrassing me to quiz him on double facts. We discovered a few weeks ago that he understands the pattern of 1+1, 2+2, 3+3 and it's his favorite party trick.

Now he wants to keep going - 11+11, 12+12, 13+13 - and he gets them right. I can't quite figure out what he's doing, except counting by two's. I asked him if he's counting up two every time and he said, "I don't know. It's just easy."

Kid brains are fascinating.

The photos in this post are sponsored by Owen (his choices).

Holiday Train

2011-12-02T08:00:00.000-06:00

This is what we'll be doing on Saturday evening! We used to drive to Sturtevant, WI to see this, but now that we've moved to Gurnee the Holiday Train makes a stop in our own town. Jude told me last night that when you go to the Holiday Train you see the real Santa Claus.

This video is from 2008 and Jude gets about 10 seconds of camera time. I forgot he'd been so well-spoken since he was two years old.

Parenting Brilliance

2011-12-01T11:00:00.001-06:00

Most of the time I am unimpressed with my own parenting skills - impatience, repetition, because-I-said-so-ness. But every once in a while I shine. Since my kids never seem to notice said shiny-ness I'll give myself a virtual pat on the back here.

We have quite a few TRIO building blocks, which the boys seem to think are designed only for constructing guns. They stack these in long sections, add a handle and then point them at each other and run around the house shooting. This is ok, on occasion, when everyone is in a good mood. More often it is very, very bad news. When they tried it last week it was the bad news kind of situation.

I tried discouraging words, frowning faces, and strict instructions to put away the offending blocks. My efforts were rewarded with bickering, tearful children.

Enter Brilliant Mom. How about suggesting another use for the blocks? Creativity + competition usually works, so I suggested that we evenly divide the pieces, send everyone to a separate room, and you build something awesome and come show it to me. Sam wanted me to pick who made the "best" creation, but Judge Mom is never a good idea so I offered to take pictures instead.

Jude and his snow machine. It makes snow.

Sam with army tank.

Alien family.

Pretty neat, huh? This worked beautifully for about 20 minutes and then everyone turned cranky again. I don't remember why. I do remember that these lovely children didn't notice Brilliant Mom. Which reminds me to say: Thank you, Mom, for all the creative energy you invested in me when I was 5 years old. I love you!

Meeting Noah

2011-11-29T12:36:00.001-06:00

Over Thanksgiving we got to visit my brother's family, which includes my three-month-old nephew Noah. He is a perfect, adorable, delightful baby. He smiled at everyone and never complained about the awkward attentions of his eager cousins.

Watching the boys meet Noah was a treat. They had no idea what to expect - I heard some plans about teaching Noah how to play baseball or catch a football. They were all instantly charmed by Noah's smiles and everybody wanted to hold him.

Yesterday, Owen caught me off guard with this conversation:

"Mom, how do you spell I love you?"
Me: "I L O V E Y O U."
Owen: "How do you spell Noah?"

Pause for melting heart. "N O A H. Would you like to send that note to Noah?"

"How do you send that note?"

"We could put it in an envelope and mail it to him."

"And we have to give it to the mailman?"

"Yes. Do you want to do that, or would you rather keep the note?"

"I want to do that."

Noah, watch your mailbox.

Birthmom Love

2011-11-22T09:17:00.000-06:00

All the boys with their birthmoms.

Here's another of my all-time favorite photos about how our family came to be. This was taken in 2007 at a birthday party when Sam turned 3, Jude turned 1, and Owen was about three weeks.

Could I possibly write anything that sums up the love, sacrifice, optimism, courage, generosity, and faith this picture describes? I love these women. I am so thankful for their faith in Ben and me. I am thankful that they are part of our family. Their love and friendship is a blessing.

Found: A Memoir

2011-11-16T11:27:00.000-06:00

This month I'm going to be reading the book Found: A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. I'm participating in an online book tour of this adoption memoir. Lots of people will read the book and come up with some questions to discuss. Then we'll take turns posting answers to a few of the questions on our blogs.

I'm sure it will be in interesting discussion of people's experiences in the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptive parents, and kids who were adopted). Would love for you to join the conversation.

National Adoption Month

2011-11-14T10:23:00.001-06:00

Owen's adoption day

November is National Adoption Month, so I'm looking back at some photos that remind me of the special way our family came together.

This photo is from the day we finalized Owen's adoption. In the legal process of adoption, responsibility for the baby shifts three times. When the baby is born, his birthmom is responsible for him. Sam and Owen lived with us during that time but their birthmoms had all the parental authority under the law.

Then - about 6 weeks later in each of our adoptions - birthparents terminate parental rights and the adoption agency is responsible for the baby. That went on for about 6 months and we had visits from our social worker and had to turn in paperwork about doctor visits and the baby's progress.

Finally, after all that supervision, we got to go to court and finalize the adoption. That means we get a birth certificate identifying us as our kids' parents and they take our last name and we are Mom and Dad. GOOD STUFF.

Judge Deets finalized each of our adoptions. I've never been in a courtroom except for adoption proceedings but people tell me there's not usually lots of fun stuff going on there. Finalizing an adoption is fun. Everybody in the room is happy. By the time we were there with Owen, Judge Deets recognized us.

In November I sometimes send Judge Deets a note with a photograph of our boys and thank him for helping us become a family. Last year he wrote me back. I loved that. Adoption has opened up so many unexpected relationships and blessings in our lives. Who knew infertility would lead to all this? Thanks, God.

Our Vegetable Summer

2011-10-20T13:14:00.001-05:00

Prepping oven-roasted tomato sauce.

Our CSA is done. We had our last pickup a couple of weeks ago and I felt pretty sad. I was nervous about trying this but it turns out that it suits me well.

The main drawback about subscribing to a CSA is the possibility of feeling overwhelmed by the steady flow of food. That's part of the reason we waited until this summer to try it. This is the first year we've had 5 people old enough to eat a lot of vegetables.

My favorite things about the CSA:

Limited options. Every week the farm decided what we'd be eating and it gave shape to our meals.
New vegetable friends. Some of the things we ate this summer were brand new to me (salad turnips, bok choy, beets, kohlrabi) and some had a bad reputation (radishes). Once they show up in the week's share, I feel obliged to give them a try. In every case we made progress. Bok choy, turnips, and radishes are all warmly welcomed now. The beets are still a trick but we are warming up to them.
Creative opportunity. Wanting to finish one week's share before it was time to pick up the next, the last day before our next pick up was creativity-inspiring. My favorite success was topping hotdogs with sauteed radishes and leeks. Ben and I were both skeptical but it was pretty delicious.
Novelty vegetables. Baby carrots with green tops are several steps above baby-cut carrots from a plastic bag. Even the boys thought that was neat. More than once I had to cut them off. (Too many carrots in the belly of a small child becomes messy.)
Making friends with the farmers. Our CSA, Sandhill Organics, is very well done. The weekly share is varied and has a pleasant but not overwhelming amount of repetition. We get to pick up our food at the farm (lots of people, like my brother, live far from their grower and pick up food at the home of another subscriber). By the end of summer the farmer recognized me. Owen and I could feed the goats and see the broccoli growing in the field.

It's already time to sign up for next year's shares. Ben and the boys are giving a thumbs up to the summer fruit share. Every time we picked up our vegetables the fruit was out on the same table and Owen always tried to take some. Good marketing.

Spelling Test

2011-10-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Jude gave me a spelling test this evening. He is pictured here next to my completed exam. He listed the numbers on the chalkboard in our laundry room and then called me down and recited words for me to spell. The list was less a spelling list than a short, odd paragraph:

go
red
light
I
love
my
cousin
and
he
the
most
thing
is
he
doesn't
love me

I did my best, but Teacher Jude marked several words wrong. He says that's ok because I'm still learning. I asked him which cousin he's talking about. "Nobody, Mom. It's just made up."

Meanwhile, Sam and Owen continued work on an ongoing project. No one has described this Lego creation in words, but I think it's a city. Parking lot in foreground (red), house on the left, marina on the right? You know how it is when something is designed by committee.

Smartypants 3

2011-09-23T10:05:00.001-05:00

Last night I was reading the newspaper and Owen spotted Sudoku. "MOM! Look at all the numbers! Can I see those numbers?" I handed him the page and he read the entire answer grid aloud to me. This morning I offered him the same section and he read them again, this time stopping to point out when they were in order. "Oh, look, 1 - 2 - 3!"I asked him if he loved numbers and he answered, "Yea. I love counting. Want to count to 100 with me?"

Sam and I have been reading some chapter books and he is developing strong preferences: Harry Potter and Captain Underpants. It's fascinating to watch his reading ability develop. He is almost always aggravated at the prospect of reading an entire book on his own, but he will read a cereal box or a billboard effortlessly. We've found a series of books called We Both Read, which have a page for the parent to read and then a page (with fewer words and simpler vocabulary) for the child to read. Sam loves those. And listening! I was reading to Jude one night and Sam needed to finish jobs before he could join us. He looked like he might pop out of his skin with anxiety about missing two pages. "But Mom I just LOVE reading!" Sometimes I feel like he *should* be reading more on his own. It's hard to keep in mind that enjoying books is the main thing and he will read them on his own soon enough.

Kindergartener Jude asked me last night if he could please write a story. Um, yes please! He took a blank sheet of paper and wrote "Mom." Then he asked me how to spell "I see." A few minutes later there was a (colorful, curly-haired) picture of me and Jude asked how to spell "trampoline." I see Mom (on a) trampoline. Good story. He copies down words from anywhere and then asks me what he's written.

I am helping in the library and Sam and Jude's school this year. The librarian looks for parents to come in every week and shelve books. Helping at school feels like such a treat after I had to miss out on last year while I was sick. Yesterday was the first day I worked in the library and happened to be there when Sam's class came for their library lesson. I gave Sam a hug and the boy behind him in line said "You're his mom?!" He seemed surprised that his classmates have moms. Little people are funny.

Pastor Squires Online

2011-09-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

Several people have mentioned listening to Ben's sermons online. I'm not much of a virtual sermon listener myself but in case you are you can find them here. Since readers of this blog know our family you may particularly appreciate "Rushing Home" (Sept. 4) and "Speedily" (Aug. 21) which involve stories about Ben and Jude, respectively.

You can also read the sermons on Ben's web site.

Back to the Saturday morning crazy people management. The pirate is chasing the dinosaur and the dinosaur just hurt himself on the racecar track.

CSA Update

2011-09-02T14:05:00.004-05:00

At the beginning of the summer I imagined I would write often about our experience subscribing to a CSA for the first time. Well, that didn't quite work out. How does summer manage to change so between April and July? Imaginary summer is a magical place where time and energy are endless. Actual summer is more hot and tired and smelly and loud and argumentative and sassy.

Now that my kids are back in school, I can tell you about what we're eating.

Thursday is pick-up day so our fridge is full. This week's highlights: slicing and heirloom tomatoes, basil, corn, lettuce, eggplant, bell peppers, haricots vert (green beans). It's almost like a normal grocery store trip except everything just came out of the ground a couple days ago.

We have a holdover from last week: beets. It's the third round of beets this summer and I think there are more in the pipeline. I have not found a great way to get the family interested in beets yet. My plan for the current stash is Beet Rosemary Roesti. I found it in a Mark Bittmann cookbook on a list entitled "Vegetable Recipes That Will Make Converts." It looks like a potato pancake where potatoes are switched out for beets. And it's cooked in butter.

Butter seems to be the common denominator in beet recipes. I've read many a beet cooking plan with the phrase "slathered in butter." Maybe that's what I'm missing. The slathering.

The eggplant might be a challenge too. I think Ben is eggplant-averse. Maybe if I sneak it in with enough tomatoes and cheese and pasta he'll barely notice. Technique seems to be very important with eggplant, the difference between bitter & soggy or mild & creamy.

The kids, happily, have developed no anxiety about my farm trips. There is enough that they like (corn! green beans!) and the rest is usually low-pressure. The beet roesti might throw them. But good marketing could win that. I could call it Purple Pancake Dinner. Maybe serve it with purple milk.

Owen Rhymes With...

2011-08-30T20:29:00.003-05:00

Yesterday morning Owen hopped in my bed and invented a rhyming game. "Hey Mom! 'Go' rhymes with 'Snow'! Now you do one."

Ok... 'bed' rhymes with 'head.'

"It's 1-1! My turn. 'Pillow' rhymes with 'zillow.' 2-1. I'm winning! We can play to 5."

How am I going to keep up with this kid? He can rhyme like a fiend, he can design a game that's reasonably fun, and he can ALWAYS arrange it so he'll win. He and Sam make each other crazy because they both want to win at everything: basketball, running races, getting through the front door, eating...

What are they? Boys?

First Days Reports

2011-08-25T16:29:00.002-05:00

Even more fun than sending the boys off on the adventure of the first day of school is welcoming them home afterward. I love to hear them tell about school.

Day 1: Sam, who was pretty anxious about the start of school and told me more than once that he would not be going, came home in Tigger mode. Bouncing from one couch to another he told the world, “I thought I wasn’t going to like second grade but I LOVE IT!” I did not doubt he would like school but I didn’t expect quite that much enthusiasm.

Jude briefed us on the rules of kindergarten: At lunch you cannot leave food on the table and you cannot leave food on the floor. You cannot “be like LUNCH LADY! LUNCH LADY! You just have to raise your hand and she will bring the trash can to you. Mom, there are a lot of rules at school.”

Day 2: Jude came off the bus looking a little worried. “I had kind of a hard day at school today.” No? Why do you say that? “Because I went out the classroom door before teacher and you’re not supposed to do that. Teacher always goes first.”

Sam reported that he’d been to the nurse’s office with a stomach ache. To treat this problem, she’d recommended that he have at least 5 treats per day. (This is explained in all seriousness. No hint of self-consciousness.) “Hmm, well, I think I’ll wait to do anything until I get a note from your teacher.” Oh, Mom, she can’t send you a note. Her computer is all out of notes.

TWO School Boys

2011-08-23T09:01:00.008-05:00

It's a big day for me. We put TWO boys on the bus for school today. I've been traveling with a gang since Sam turned 2. I'm also pretty jazzed about starting a school year and not being a chemo patient.

I suppose it's a big day for Sam and Jude, too. So on to the bus stop pics.

Waiting-for-the-Bus Baseball

Ready to rule the school! Sam and Jude attend a K-2 school, so Sam is a "senior" this year.

Ready for kindergarten! Eyeglass wearing has been sporadic at home. Will he be able to keep them on all day at school?

Our bus stop gang includes neighbor Keren.

Boy Who Wears Glasses

2011-08-01T20:03:00.003-05:00

In Illinois, entering kindergarten generates a lot of paperwork. Birth certificates, immunization lists, doctor's notes, and eye exams. Really? An eye exam? It sounds like something an optometrists' marketing group thought up. Perhaps it is, but the school nurse said she'd have to kick Jude out of school in October if he didn't have an eye exam.

We discovered that Jude has an astigmatism in one eye. It is easily corrected with glasses and there's a good possibility that he will grow out of it.

Jude is perfectly pleased to wear glasses. He really only needs them for reading and writing but puts them on any time the mood strikes.

Just when I thought he could not get any cuter...

Curls AND glasses. I'm a lucky mom.

A Nothing Day

2011-07-26T10:29:00.003-05:00

Our summer is moving along in the same way it does for many people I know: in the spring I saw a blank slate for weeks on end. I worried about the lack of structure and expected there would be time to do every fun thing I could think of. Now, past the halfway point, I feel like we've been awfully busy and can't find time for all the things I hoped we'd do.

Yesterday was our first day with all three boys and me at home all day, no plans. It was a rough transition. But this morning they've caught on. Jude is the only one dressed for the day. When he observed that Sam and Owen were still in pajamas Sam said happily, "Yeah, because this is a nothing day."

100 Hours

2011-07-15T18:30:00.003-05:00

The power is back! At 12:30 this afternoon all the lights came on and Owen shouted, "Mom, we can play Wii now!" He's got a handle on the essentials.

For us this was a 100-hour power outage. I hope that's my lifetime record.

Tonight we are celebrating with a backyard campout. Tomorrow the temperatures are expected to turn up into miserable++ for a week or more. Tonight is beautiful. Praise God for the gorgeous weather we've had all week during out involuntary "campout".

Storm Damage Repair, 84 Hours

2011-07-14T19:58:00.003-05:00

Isn't this exciting? Blow-by-blow coverage of our power outage.

Our street is quiet. The trucks are gone. We still do not have power.

I believe I mentioned that the crew on our street is from Georgia. They started work this morning with safety meetings at ComEd to learn the local regulations. They were sent to my block but had to wait around for a couple of hours until ComEd approved them to start working. They started about 6:00 p.m. and had to stop at 8:00 p.m. because there is a limit to how many hours they can work.

So they're gone for the night. They say we'll have power by noon tomorrow.

Ay caramba.

Storm Damage Repair, 83 Hours

2011-07-14T19:05:00.005-05:00

They're here! The long wait is paying off with a good show. Two booms (is that what you call those little carts that go up in the air?) and a crane taking down lines and removing the broken utility pole.

Good bedtime entertainment.

The workers on our street are Georgia Power guys. It's good to hear some familiar southern accents on my block.

Storm Damage Repair, 76 Hours

2011-07-14T11:57:00.002-05:00

There is one ComEd truck sitting on my street this morning. Nothing happened overnight. It sounds like there is plenty of manpower to make repairs but not enough materials. Nobody seems to know how long it will be until the missing stuff arrives. In the meantime, a guy is in a truck as a "line watcher" - helping make sure nobody gets too close to the downed lines.

I've felt pretty patient for the first 3 days of this. It was a very big storm and our street had a particularly big mess. Now we're on day 4 and I'm finding it hard to be good-natured.

Storm Damage Repair, 62 Hours

2011-07-13T22:00:00.008-05:00

The utility company keeps calling my house (and every house in Gurnee) to reassure me that much progress is being made! Help is on the way! Lots of people have their power back!

That's nice, but my house has been dark for 62 hours and my street is still a mess.

This morning the tree guys came.

For today, this is what progress looks like.

We've seen at least a dozen ComEd trucks come and go. I'm not sure what they are doing but I feel like they're gawking. "Hey, look what a mess this block is! Glad we don't have to fix it."

Tonight we had three big trucks here for a while and I thought the calvary had arrived. Then two of them left. Then the other one left. Now we're back to one truck, carrying two spools of wire, sitting on the side of the road. I overheard him tell someone they are waiting for materials.

There are 3 utility poles on the lawn at church. All destined for Fuller Road?

We're all set up in the church kitchen now. It's like a weird camping trip. Sleep in your own bed, use candles and flashlights at night, walk a long way to get your breakfast. So glad toilets don't need electricity. Tomorrow morning I will walk over to the church kitchen to make coffee and fix lunches for my two daycampers.

In the evening, perhaps!, dinner from our own kitchen.

Storm Damage

2011-07-13T07:48:00.003-05:00

Monday morning, 8:00 a.m.: Clouds roll in. Winds start to blow. Squires family sits happily in the bay window to watch a storm. We jumped back when this tree blew down and we saw the bolt of blue from the electrical wires coming down.

This is our front yard. This pine tree is now in three parts. One in the ground, one in the ditch, and one hanging from the wires.

This is the view down our street. There are wires down all over the place, including across the driveway into the church parking lot. It looks like at least one utility pole will have to be replaced. As I write we are 48 hours into the power outage. Church has electricity, so we have lots of modern amenities just a short walk from home.

The Com Ed trucks have been coming down our block and they probably look at this mess and think they'd rather go find a simpler problem to work on.

No major damage to our house or the church building. It looks like a lot of trees to clean up but not much else here. Today's forecast is in the 70s. If you have to be powerless, today's a good day for it.

Day at the Beach

2011-07-10T08:34:00.004-05:00

Since we moved to Gurnee, Ben and the boys have spent several afternoons at the beach. It was a popular Sunday afternoon activity last summer when I was sick and had to stay home. To celebrate the 4th of July, they took me along. Great day.

Hey Mom! Watch this!

Happy guys.

Girl Meets Kohlrabi

2011-07-05T15:06:00.003-05:00

One of the reasons I wanted to get a farm subscription this summer is so we'd try some new vegetables. It's working.

Last night we had a couple of kohlrabi languishing in the lower fridge area, so I cut one into matchsticks and put it on the dinner table next to some normalizing celery and dip. I never know what will happen between my family and a plate of crudites. Sometimes there are horrible faces and ignoring. Sometimes everybody samples and gets very excited.

Nobody embarrassed himself over the kohlrabi.

I've never had it before. One or two people told me they eat it raw like carrots and celery. It has a pleasant crunch and a challenging hint of radish bite. Maybe it will grow on me.

Ben and I talked in bright, non-judgmental tones about its flavor and texture. I invited all of the boys to try it and only Owen took me up on it. He ate one piece, slowly and thoughtfully, then declined another. I tried to piece that together into a little bandwagon marketing campaign:

"Guess what? Dad, Mom and Owen all have something in common. We all tried kohlrabi for the first time on July 4, 2011!" If you try it, you'll be in our cool club.

I don't have a big future in marketing. Sam and Jude looked blankly at me and then talked about the year 2011. Who cares about stupid kohlrabi and your club.

Highlights of the week:

Jude & Owen eating baby carrots with tops. We'd just come home from the farm, they were playing in the yard, and I came outside with freshly scrubbed rabbit food. Jude yelled, "Owen, it's carrot snack time!"

Grilled garlic scapes. Ben says they are tricky to maneuver on the grill because they threatened to fall through the grate. The well-cooked segments tasted like mild roasted garlic.

Baked beets. I have no beet experience, so on Mark Bittman's suggestion I wrapped each beet individually in foil and baked for 45 minutes. Used a couple on tossed salad. I thought it was nice. Ben left most of them on the plate.

CSA Week 2: On the Road

2011-06-29T20:06:00.003-05:00

We took our vegetables on the road this week.

I just got back from a 5-day tour of Wisconsin visiting some family and friends. Now that we've moved several times there are lots of people with whom we once shared our everyday lives and now seeing them is a special treat. This week we got to see a few of them.

This week looks prime for a little more culinary creativity. We pick up our share tomorrow and expect Ben and Sam home in a few days. Here's what will be in this week's box:

Green-Top Beets
Baby Carrots
Spinach
Red or Green Romaine
Kohlrabi
Parsley
Garlic Scapes
Broccoli
Cilantro

What are green-top beets? Do some beets have tops of another color? Shall I eat the tops? What can I do with beets? Suggestions welcome.

I'm glad to see some old favorites on the list: broccoli, carrots, spinach, romaine. These will be like the platinum edition of veggies we usually eat. Very promising.

Now: kohlrabi. My only experience of kohlrabi to date is an episode of Pinky and the Brain, which I recall vaguely, in which I believe Pinky has a nightmare about an evil, giant kohlrabi. I'm told it's actually a mild-mannered, cabbage-related food well-suited to dipping. I'm thinking there will be a homemade dip or two this week - scapes, parsley and cilantro all sound like good candidates for that.

CSA Week 1: Race Against the Clock

2011-06-22T10:43:00.004-05:00

We picked up our first veggies last Thursday, so today is actually the end of week 1. I have a lot of vegetable eating to do today!

It's been kind of crazy week to start this. Here's how it's been:

Thursday: Jude came with me to the farm to get our food. I invited Sam, but he said "No, that's boring!" C'est la vie. Jude was excited to come along because there are three goats and he wanted to feed them (grass pulled up from along their fence). He did, the goats were delighted, and when we left they bleated mournfully. But about the veggies. Here's what we got:

strawberries
tokyo bekana (leafy green cabbage)
red leaf lettuce
green head lettuce (butter lettuce?)
radishes
japanese turnips
dill
green onions
swiss chard

I had a lovely salad for dinner Thursday night, but Ben had already eaten when we got home.

Friday: We went downtown to Shedd Aquarium (awesome!) and picnicked with the gulls. We used a little lettuce our sandwiches but otherwise did not make use of the veggies. Then date night - dinner out.

Saturday: I don't remember what happened Saturday. Everybody ate strawberries but I'm not sure we did much with the other stuff.

Sunday: Celebrate Father's Day with a tokyo bekana, green onion & red leaf salad with some strange warm dressing that involved cider vinegar, brown sugar and turnips. It tasted pretty good but it was weird. The tokyo bekana, however, is lovely. It has a little cabbage flavor but it's leafy like lettuce. Very mild.

Then Ben left for St. Louis. He's doing graduate work at the seminary and will spend two weeks there every June/January for the next several years. He went last June but I went to the hospital and then he accepted the call to Bethel and it's all a dim memory now. He didn't take a class in January because I was still doing chemo. Life always seems to be more involuntarily interesting than I'd like.

Monday: Now I'm on my own with these veggies. My kids are good with broccoli and green beans, but leafy greens and radishes are not their speed. I think I had a salad. We were also getting ready to send Sam off on a trip to California.

Tuesday: I drove Sam to a halfway point between here and Louisville to meet my dad. Sam is now at the front end of a huge adventure trip to California with my parents and my 11-year-old nephew. They will spend a week visiting my aunt & uncle and seeing the sights of L.A. My dad likes radishes, so I took a few with me. He ate them straight up, just like a rabbit. Sam took a bite of one and spit it out.

Wednesday: Here we are, 24 hours to go, and I have several radishes and turnips, half a head of lettuce, and the whole bunch of chard to go. For breakfast I had a radish and butter sandwich. Surprisingly good. Tonight I will make a simple pasta sauce with the chard. Salad for lunch with a few turnips and I think we're set.

Come home, Ben! You need to eat with me!

Memorial Day Hospitality Lesson

2011-05-31T10:37:00.004-05:00

Memorial Day brought us, at long last, a warm sunny day. It's been a rainy spring around here and even though I'm a little sunburned and a little too warm I'm glad for summer weather.

It was the perfect day to try out the Gurnee Park District aquatic center. Wow. I cannot imagine a place better suited to our family. Water, water everywhere! Shallow water, deep water, spraying water, sliding water. The main attraction for Sam, Jude & Owen yesterday was jumping off into water about 3-4 feet deep. Through a waterfall. Sam and Jude could do it on their own. One note to self: more suntan lotion on my back next time.

When we got home we watched our neighbors set up for a big family birthday party. They had a bounce house and lots of long tables and spent hours clearing out the yard to get ready for a crowd. Ben stopped over to encourage them to use the empty church parking lot and our family was invited to join them. We had some afternoon plans and wouldn't want to impose so we planned to stay home.

Then the doorbell rang around 4:30 and it's Juan (the dad) and Mimi (11-yr-old daughter) inviting us again. Offering to take the boys over and we can stay home. These are fantastic neighbors.

We know this family a little bit from sharing the bus stop. Their youngest daughter Keren is Jude's age and attends preschool at the public school. All of us are a little reserved and since Juan is most comfortable speaking Spanish and we are most comfortable speaking English our relationship has grown s-l-o-w-l-y. This invitation was a big deal.

So off we went to meet the clan. We brought along the two friends who'd come for a holiday cookout. No one batted an eye at 7 strangers walking into the party. The boys ran (of course!) to the spiderman bounce house. We had incredibly hot and delicious grilled corn in our hands in 60 seconds. I wound up talking with 14-year-old Cindy, who might be the most sophisticated teenager I've ever met. She talked about career plans, clearly described her very realistic anxieties about high school, explained why she hoped for babysitting work this summer. I think I can help her out with that last bit about babysitting.

We finally met all 5 kids in the family, ages 21 to 4, and left with bags full of treats from the pinata and an invitation to the next family birthday party in June.

It was a stunning experience. I still feel overwhelmed by the effort that was put into making us feel welcome at a party that seemed to have nothing to do with us. That's a good neighbor.

Life with Veggies: A Preview

2011-05-18T19:39:00.007-05:00

I mentioned this winter that we've subscribed to a CSA (community-supported agriculture) farm for the summer. We'll start picking up our weekly share in mid-June and last Saturday we got to visit 'our' farm.

We chatted with the chickens, fed grass to the goats, walked through the hoophouse, greenhouse, egg-washing station, and the fields. Sam was first in line every time the farmer pulled a radish or a carrot up to show us what's growing. It was more of a hoarding project than a culinary experiment for him. You have to start somewhere, I suppose.

A couple of nights ago I came across an essay by a woman who's suffering from a little veggie fatigue. I could barely read the thing because I was laughing so hard I couldn't keep my eyes open. I haven't picked up a single box of turnips and carrots but I can already see how this might go: a few weeks of vigorous, life-affirming creativity will segue to a fridge full of rotting, socially-responsible produce.

It's nice to know in advance that I will not be alone.

So if I call you this summer and beg you to come make dinner for me using the food I already have, or if you leave your car unlocked and find a bag full of tomatoes and swiss chard in the front seat, you'll know why.

Flower Garden Favorites

2011-05-09T08:45:00.004-05:00

The boys asked me to take their pictures next to their favorite flowers (the only things blooming in our yard right now).

This geranium is my favorite. It had one bloom when I planted it a week ago.

Spring!

2011-05-04T14:05:00.004-05:00

I am sitting on my deck right now. Jude and Owen are arguing over the rules of their t-ball game. There are newly planted flowers in the corner of the yard below me. It's a good afternoon.

Last weekend a gardening friend took me to a native plant sale - every thing on the shelves likes living in northern Illinois. I'm told that means they'll be hardy and endure more operator error than most plants. I hope it's true.

We have a big yard with not much other than grass and some gorgeous maples and evergreens. I'm having a good time planning and planting but it's hard to focus my attention. Ben and I have put new flower beds outside the gate (the main path to & from church) and inside the fence. Below our deck is a square of lawn about 12x12 feet and I hope to eventually make that all garden. I came across a shade-loving variety of japanese maple tree this weekend and think something like that might work nicely.

I also want to pull out the shrubs by our front door and plant perennials (hostas?) there. And a tree at the end of the house. And get something going in the back part of the yard (sumac? chokeberry?). And fill in the 4-foot-wide strip between the fence and the parking lot. A friend says she has black-eyed susans to spare and they'd probably go there.

Someday it may all be as I imagine. Or, more likely, I'll change my mind next week.

Salad Haiku

2011-04-20T10:07:00.003-05:00

In honor of National Poetry Month, here is a poem from the children's poetry book Food Fight. Haiku is a poetic form that originated with Japanese nature poetry. It's usually, as here, three lines with the form 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables.

Salad Haiku

by W. Nicola-Lisa

On this leafy bed

slices of cucumber sleep,

cold as winter dimes.

Tomatoes will squish

no matter how you cut them.

Even prayers won't help.

Spinach comes with dirt!

That's just how it is sometimes--

good and bad in one.

Whether whole or sliced,

olives sink like submarines,

and will not surface.

Red onions or white?

It doesn't matter to me--

crying is crying!

Spring Break: Dating, Jumping, Reading

2011-03-30T18:49:00.003-06:00

This week is spring break for my kids and I have been dreaaaaading it. After a week or two of lovely spring weather it turned cold again last week and what on earth am I going to do with 3 rowdy little boys for a week when it's cold outside?

I've been pleasantly surprised. We're more than halfway through the week and I've been having fun! It turns out that my kids are pretty nice.

I'm also pretty pleased by how frugal our entertainment has been. To wit:

Monday: 90 minutes of crowded, crazy jumping at Pump It Up (used a Groupon)

Tuesday: Date with Sam. We saw Mars Needs Moms - adorable, exciting, sweet movie; the perfect date movie for a mom and son. Bonus: my college friend Amber is one of the martians. I believe she is the one who shouts "Unauthorized dogpile!" in the early part of the movie. (Coupons from M&Ms.) Dinner afterwards at Rainforest Cafe (coupon + gift card).

Wednesday: Park and library. Sam got a library card today! This seemed like a fun milestone and I was disappointed when the librarian did not share my enthusiasm.

Me: "My son wants to get his first library card!"

Librarian: "Do you have two id's with proof of your address? Can he sign his name?"

Oh, well. Sam and I were excited. He checked out half a dozen books about dinosaurs.

Tomorrow: Ben's day off. There will be a boys-only viewing of Star Wars in the afternoon. The real first Star Wars from the 1970s. I'll be out somewhere reading Anna Karenina. Still. That is one long book.

Watching Hair Grow

2011-03-22T14:07:00.002-06:00

Now that I'm done with chemo and certified cancer free, I have three exciting projects in the works:

1. Wait for the nerve damage to heal so my hands and feet aren't numb.
2. Get the medical port (a tube in my vein for drug delivery) removed. Surgery scheduled for mid-April.
3. Watch my hair grow.

I thought you might like to join me for me for #3. It's coming along. I can see a little wave now, so I'm optimistic that full curl will return eventually.

Unrelated: Ben put up a bird feeder and a gourd bird house (thanks, Tom & Diane!) in the front yard this weekend. A sparrow family has already moved in! We can watch them from the living room window. Lots of fun.

Purple Dinner

2011-03-15T19:53:00.004-06:00

Sunday night we had purple dinner. Cooking Light had another name for it but how can a Northwestern family pass up this chance?

The idea behind this recipe, which involves primarily red cabbage, beets, and ground sirloin, is to make a full dinner for 4 with one burger's worth of meat. Odd, interesting, with an unfamiliar ingredient (I've never cooked beets) = Definitely try it!

Ben and I were charmed. It's quite good and, as I told my children as they ate everything else on the plate and looked a little frightened, it tasted like hamburger. I've only met red cabbage and beets where modified by "pickled" and I do not like pickled. It turns out they are beautiful to look at and mildly flavored.

I think my actual description was, "It tastes like hamburger with more to chew." I suppose that could also describe a lot of things you wouldn't want to eat. Anyway, I recommend it.

Tonight's menu: GRILLED! portobellos with whiskey-brined pork chops in the background, smoking for tomorrow night. (The recipe I found is for bourbon brine, but we don't have bourbon. We always have some Jack Daniels.)

The Gourmet Cookbook

2011-03-12T13:51:00.002-06:00

For some mysterious reason, The Gourmet Cookbook, usually forty bucks, is on sale at Amazon for $16. It seems like a good time to tell you that this is one of my all-time favorite cookbooks.

The book is a collection of recipes from the entire history of Gourmet magazine, which is, I believe, now out of print. Each recipe is accompanied by a paragraph describing the recipe's source, history, or culinary setting. I'm as likely to read this book as I am to cook from it.

One of my favorite things about this book is the diversity of its contents. I've found some fantastic recipes that I use often (smoky black beans, p. 267), some that are interesting but which I will never try (chocolate orange dobostorte, p. 734, a cake that requires 4 hours of work), and others that are strange and consequently irresistible (watermelon, tomato, and feta salad, p. 145. I only made that once).

My parents gave me this for my birthday several years ago. More than once that winter, when Sam was a baby and I had long evenings at home, I answered phone calls from my brother that began, "What are you up to?" I replied, "Oh, reading a cookbook."

No, I am not getting paid for this review. But I probably should be.

Cancer Free

2011-03-01T17:59:00.001-06:00

Good news! No cancer!

I'll get checked again every year for a while, but I think the phrases "cancer survivor" and "in remission" apply to me now.

Praise God.

Colon Cancer Awareness Month

2011-03-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

March is, according to the CDC, Colon Cancer Awareness Month. I'm celebrating with an appropriate medical screening today. Stay tuned to find out that I'm officially cancer free!

This video is both informative and amusing. He's talking about derriers. I think there is space for a little levity.

Don't be a chump, check your rump!

Lutherans 101

2011-02-28T11:06:00.000-06:00

I laughed, I cried, I watched it again and again!

Games

2011-02-22T08:45:00.003-06:00

We were in Minnesota this weekend visiting Ben's family. My Facebook friends have been all aflutter since I mentioned that we spent an evening at Pinstripes bowling alley. It's high-end bowling: wine lists, bistro food and (my favorite!) Limoncello martinis delivered to your lane. We all had a great time. First time bowling for the boys and they LOVED it.

Minnesota had a nice snowstorm on Sunday, so Ben and his folks spent an hour digging out the snowbank at the end of the driveway so we could leave Monday. It was a loooooong drive. Around Milwaukee Ben played "I Spy" with the kids for a while. When that had run dry, Sam suggested Simon Says. He suggested it like this: "SIMON SAYS! SIMON SAYS! SIMON SAYS!"

Owen, verifying that he had correctly deciphered the name of this game, asked, "Do what Sam says?"

Anna Karenina

2011-02-15T08:47:00.002-06:00

I am, at long last, reading Anna Karenina. I want to tell the world that this is a fantastic book and that there is nothing to fear.

Anna Karenina is an 800-page novel by the famous Russian author Leo Tolstoy. He also wrote War and Peace. Both novels seem to be among the list of books that well-read people know. I have aspired to read Karenina for a few years but have been put off by:

1. 800 pages!

2. My high school experience reading other Russian novels (Crime and Punishment, for one) in which it was a major challenge to even keep track of the characters, much less the plot, because Russian names/nicknames are confusing.

Considering its length, the cast in this novel is quite modest. I've had no trouble keeping track of people. The story is a love story like a million others I've read. It reminds me frequently of Jane Austen novels.

What I love most so far (I'm in the page 200s) is how aptly Tolstoy describes people's feelings and motives. We hear what is inside the mind of every major character and I recognize these people! They are like people I've met. It's brilliant.

Fear not, my friends. Anna Karenina is accessible, delightful, many-layered. And if you like ityou have a good friend for many weeks.

Learning to Read

2011-02-07T19:30:00.003-06:00

Sam is starting to read. Sam really likes to run around. Sam is easily frustrated. So, I recently asked my Facebook friends for help thinking of activities that combine moving around and reading.

Several people suggested hopscotch with words, but I don't know how to play hopscotch so we haven't tried that. Other suggestions could be grouped under the heading of scavenger hunt. That's something I understand and plan to do.

Yesterday we accidentally bumped into a successful reading moment. Some friends came over to watch the Superbowl and, like millions of other football partygoers, brought some beer to share. As soon as they walked in Sam spotted the box and hollered "Bud Light!"

Lately we've been reading chapter books to Sam and Jude. They loved The Boxcar Children. It's a little saccharine for me, so we're taking a break. Nate the Great, a series of mysteries a la Encyclopedia Brown for the early-elementary set, is the hands-down favorite here. I tried little Tom Sawyer, but it requires a good bit of translation (the vocabulary is very advanced) and Tom is a sassy kid. We don't need to inspire more sass than we come by naturally.

What We're Eating

2011-02-05T15:14:00.003-06:00

I've had a good time with some of our meals this week. We used our Groupon for Door to Door Organics, which brought a box of ripe organic produce straight to my door the day after the blizzard. It's unreasonably expensive for me to do again but I'm enjoying the one-time deal.

Turns out, this is good practice for our upcoming summer of CSA take-what-they-give-you produce.

Last night I had no plan but there was a roast in the freezer. I knew it was bound for the crock pot, so I browsed relevant recipes on a crock pot blog. I chose a cranberry pot roast because I had all the parts. A bag of cranberries has been snoozing in the freezer since late autumn.

Pot roast begs for mashed potatoes but alas! only two potatoes on the premises. The box o' produce included a big butternut squash, so we had roasted mashed squash instead. Waaaaay better than potatoes.

I also tried a new tuna salad recipe this week. I know, tuna salad - woo hoo. This one is not even a distant relative of the mayo & pickle relish version I've enjoyed for years. This one had lime juice (1 lime per 6 oz. can of tuna), cilantro, red onion. On a bun with lettuce and tomato (thank you box o' produce!), it gave me a few minutes' respite from my snowbound mid-winter blues. The cookbook I took it from praised the recipe's low-fatitude. I ate it with potato chips.

Snowprah, Day 2

2011-02-02T09:27:00.005-06:00

Today is the first snow day for Sam's school. I grew up in Kentucky, where a snow day meant, "Hey, it snowed a couple inches last night so no one can drive anywhere for a couple hours. Hurry up and get the plastic produce bags on your tennis shoes, we have some sledding to do before the snow is gone at 10 a.m.!"

This is a different kind of snow day.

I was awake with Owen at about 2:00 a.m. and we spent an hour listening to people call into a radio show from their cars, where they were stranded on Lakeshore Drive and waiting for emergency responders to arrive on snowmobiles to rescue them.

All the roads in our county are closed. Only snowplows and emergency vehicles. And, apparently, the one SUV we saw pass our house this morning.

I'm not sure we can let the children outside. Like small dogs, they might disappear into the snowdrifts.

The compost bin before (3 p.m. Tuesday) and after (9 a.m. Wednesday).

Snowprah

2011-02-01T18:47:00.003-06:00

This is mostly for our friends and family who are not in Chicago: Yes, the storm is here. It seems to be as big as predicted. We're all at home, all is well, school is already cancelled for tomorrow and I think work is mostly cancelled, too. Unless Ben decides to trudge to the other side of "the compound" (across the parking lot) to work on a sermon.

There are lots of great nicknames for the storm going around: Snowbowl (in honor of Sunday's game), snOwMG!, Snowtorious B.I.G. Snowprah is my favorite: it's all over the tv and it's taking over Chicago.

As long as the power stays on, we're set. I believe pancakes are on the menu for breakfast tomorrow. Then I'm hoping the boys will go to separate rooms and play quietly for 8 hours. More likely we will spend most of the day trying to be entertained enough to avoid bloodshed.

We're reading The Boxcar Children, which they love, so the last 50 pages of that might use up an hour. I'm hoping they'll start imitating the Boxcar foursome: such hardworking, polite, happy children. Unfortunately, my children are real people.

Jude Stomps It Out

2011-01-27T09:45:00.003-06:00

A while ago we watched a DVD of Stomp and after a few weeks of fermentation, Jude seems to have taken inspiration. Acquiring some noisy shoes he can wear in the house (thanks, Oma!) probably contributed, too.

This particular performance was given in honor of my Dad's birthday last week. Happy Birthday Dad! Love you!

Who Are You?

2011-01-24T14:03:00.008-06:00

Here's a little secret about bloggers (that is, me): we are itching to know who is reading our stuff. I have a doodad on this page that tells me how many people are reading but I don't know who you are.

I started writing this blog almost four years ago just before Owen was born. (That poor guy has had every month of his life catalogued here.) My original intention was to keep in touch with grandparents and birthfamilies and friends who were far away. That amounted to about a dozen readers.

Then we moved and the number of out-of-town friends grew.

Then we moved again.

And I was diagnosed with cancer.

Now I seem to have more than a dozen readers.

If you are so inclined, I would love for you to leave a comment (by clicking on the "comment" button at the end of this post) or become a follower using the doodad in the left column. Hearing from you adds to the fun for me.

P.S. The snapshots are a bonus today: the boys all ready to watch a 3-D T-Rex movie at the Field Museum.

Robin

2011-01-21T10:46:00.004-06:00

Owen is a big fan of the superhero costume. It is common for him to put on a Batman or Robin costume and carry on ordinary activities.

In the pictures here, he is costumed in preparation for picking Jude up from school. It's an hour or more until pick-up time, but Owen wanted to be sure he was ready so that Jude would "be surprised." Meanwhile, he is digging into the playdough to find dinosaur bones using professional paleontologist tools from a kit Sam got at Christmas.

Me: Owen, you want to take off that mask so you can see better?

Owen: No! I need it! I want Jude to be 'prised!

No Mo Chemo

2011-01-18T09:46:00.006-06:00

It is done! My last chemo treatment was a week ago and I'm starting to feel like it's really over. We've been at this for six months and I'm so accustomed to it that it's hard to comprehend that I don't have to hook up any more. I feel relieved every day.

Yesterday the boys were off of school for Martin Luther King, Jr. day. We celebrated by taking the train from Waukegan to Evanston (home of our alma mater - go cats!). It was great fun. The boys were excited coming and going.

The end of my treatments gives me occasion to look back on the long list of people who helped us get through these months - family and old friends who took entire weeks out of their lives to stay with us and take care of the kids while I slept and moped around the house. New friends from Bethel who brought us meals, entertained our children, encouraged us. People from every corner of our lives who prayed for us, sent us notes of encouragement, shared our sadness about a crummy situation. My doctor, who has been compassionate and attentive; the nurses who took great care of me and remembered the details of our conversations from one treatment to the next; the receptionist who learned my name and always greeted me warmly.

Ben and I have needed every ounce of love God has shown us. Perhaps that - noticing that God is with us - is the blessing of miserable circumstances.

Last Chemo - Tomorrow!

2011-01-10T12:50:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is my last chemo treatment. I am expecting to be cancer-free after this, so this is the absolute farewell treatment. I sit for an infusion on Tuesday, come home with a pump full of drugs infuses over two days, and return that on Thursday morning. It's all recovery after that.

That this is the last round has not spared me the usual feeling of dread in anticipation of being sick. Even when it's the last time I expect to be chemo-sick, it still sucks.

I'm adapting to the buzz cut. I really don't care for it. I associate this kind of haircut with political statements about feminism, and cancer is no political statement. But I am appreciating the convenience. My hair doesn't get mussed when I sleep or wear a hat. It dries very quickly. There is no bad hair day - it looks exactly the same every day.

So there's that.

Cee! Ess! A!

2011-01-06T09:47:00.003-06:00

Today's deal from Groupon, the über-hip daily deal web site (based in Chicago!), is a box of organic produce delivered to your door. Yes, I bought it. Who doesn't want some socially responsible produce to appear at their front door?

It reminds me to tell you about a new adventure coming up at the Squires house: a summer subscription to a local farm's community supported agriculture (CSA) program. We pay up front for, in our case, 18 weeks of produce from the farm. We've signed up with a farm near us called Dea Dia Organics. Every Friday afternoon I'll go pick up a box of whatever they've harvested.

"Whatever they've harvested" is the adventure part. I looked at a list of what's been in the box each week for the last couple of years. Some of it is familiar - carrots, cucumbers, spinach - and some of it is less so - turnips, all kinds of greens, spigariello liscia. Ben is skeptical but supportive.

I've considered doing this for several years but the timing has never seemed right. First there were new babies (almost) every summer. Then there was a new home and the boys were too small to eat raw carrots or leafy greens.

Now, I think we're all on board. I love to cook, I like to try new foods & recipes, I want our family to eat more veggies. The boys are as vegetable-skeptical as any kids, but they are also intrigued about the origins of their food. I think part of the deal with this CSA is that we could visit the farm.

So far all we've done is write a check. The harvest begins in mid-June. I'll let you know how it goes. If you live near me, I might also leave a few turnips or some fennel on your front porch.

Chopped Off Mane, #3

2011-01-03T10:50:00.004-06:00

I hope this is the last stage of hair cropping. I posted about cancer haircut #1 and #2. Today I got another cut and the clippers were involved. Clippers! I have pretty much the same haircut as Sam.

This is a weird experience for me. I cannot remember a time when I did not have a LOT of hair. Even Sam seems perturbed by this. He's asked often lately about when I'm going to have curly hair again, and he's even lobbying for me to have long hair like he sees in our wedding pictures.

At least I'm saving money on hair care products.

Field Museum, Squires Style

2010-12-28T10:31:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we made our first trip to Chicago with the kids, to spend the morning at the Field Museum. That is an amazing place. We only saw a small portion, and that in our little-kid way. The boys were most interested in dinosaur skeletons (T-Rex Sue was the main draw) and taxidermy. And boy do they have taxidermy! Personally, I find stuffed dead animals a little spooky.

Owen was most interested in Lucy, which none of us even saw. There was a photo of her at the entrance to an exhibit and Jude was terrified. Sam and Owen were vaguely worried. Owen is still asking if we're going to see "the guy," and he is making plans to go back and just "have a peek." Jude will have none of it. In fact, after three rowdy hours at the museum Jude told me he doesn't want to go back there anymore because it is boring.

Predictable they are not.

I loved taking the boys downtown. Sam is finally old enough that getting out of familiar territory seems worthwhile. (Going almost anywhere with these three takes a lot of energy.) Sam has often asked me about going to "the city" and we talked about the skyscrapers and Lake Michigan and the trains. I think often about trips we'd like to take with them: out west, to Canada, overseas. This felt like a first step to bigger adventures.

Friendly Wake-Up Calls

2010-12-21T13:50:00.003-06:00

The first 10 minutes of the morning are unpredictable around here. Good moods, bad moods, occasional tantrums, feed-me-breakfast-now-or-I-will-die, quiet play. Every once in a great while, the boys wake up around the same time and talk to each other before coming to wake us up. Today was one of those days.

The conversation was pleasant but unremarkable until this:

Sam: "Owen, you are my best friend right?"

Jude: "No, Owen is my best friend."

Sam: "Owen, be MY best friend!"

Jude: "NO!! Owen is MY best friend!"

Sam: "Hey, we can ALL be friends."

Owen: "Yeah! Let's ALL be friends!"

Jude: "Yea, we're ALL friends!"

Kids Worship @ Bethel

2010-12-12T19:40:00.002-06:00

Kids worship at Bethel Lutheran Church. Some singing at home (where the video picks up a lot more personality) and a little from the program. Fun times.

I Wish I Could Start Over!

2010-12-11T09:25:00.005-06:00

Sam is having a hard day, which means I'm having a hard day. He's missing out on special Christmas events at church this morning because he could not get control of himself. He's an impulsive, ahem, *expressive* child and some days it's too much.

I'm sure the non-stop anticipation of Christmas is part of this; as is my being sick. It's sad. It's hard to decide when to give leeway because life is stressful and when enough is enough. This morning when he chanted that he hates me I decided we'd crossed the line. So, he is missing the "party" (aka child care) the youth are offering at church today.

Now that he's calmed down, he's been telling me he wishes he could start over. "Can we go back to breakfast time so I can make good choices and go the party?" It's hard to watch my own kid begin to grasp one of life's great tragedies. There's no starting over. The consequences press on no matter how profoundly we grieve mistakes. Hmmm. Sorry, Sam.

Today's Miracles

2010-12-01T09:20:00.003-06:00

It's only 9:30 a.m and already a list of miracles for today:

I can hear. I've been 70% deaf for about a week and trying home remedies for excessively waxy ears. No luck, so I went to the dr. early this morning and she unplugged both ears. Now I can hear what is happening outside of me. I've been listening to some loud ringing in both ears. Today I learned that the ringing is the sound of my own bloodflow.
A second showing of our house. Woo hoo! Maybe we'll get a buyer out of this. What a Christmas gift it would be to be done owning a house we don't live in.
The year's first snow. It doesn't seem likely to accumulate, but there is a trace of snow on the ground. Walking home from dropping Jude at school Owen was full of exciting snow-related announcements. "Look, Mom, there is snow on our parking lot! And on our grass! And on the steps! And on the deck! (Entering the house, stomping his foot on the doormat to leave bits of snow there) See? I told you!"
And now for the daily miracle that I often miss because of chemo-related ickiness: coffee.

When Baby Jesus Grows Up...

2010-11-30T09:19:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Jude spent an hour playing with the toy nativity scene and I overheard this threat made, I believe, by a Wise Man:

"When baby Jesus grows up, he's going to be bigger than the worst bad guy; bigger than a skyscraper; BIGGER THAN A FARM! And he's going to kill you down!"

I suppose in this testosterone-laden house I ought not be surprised that Jesus is the biggest, baddest superhero in the land. He's even bigger than a farm, so watch out bad guys.

Well-Being

2010-11-22T11:21:00.004-06:00

I am at the oncologist's office getting treatment 9 out of 12. It is good to feel like the number of treatments left is down to "a few." Of course I'm also feeling well today. Last night I had some anticipatory queasiness but this morning has been better.

The lady sitting next to me is talking about the frustration of hairlessness. She has no hair in her nose - a condition I do not have in quite her extreme - and said it makes her nose run faster. I guess nose hair slows down the flow and makes it a little easier to be neat.

In the throes of last week's fatigue and frustration I thought that being in round 9 of chemo might be like the 9th hour of labor. (I write this based purely on observation and anecdote, with no relevant personal experience). It's like going into labor knowing it will last 12 hours and that in the end there will be no baby, no tangible reward for the effort. My important people are here to support me, but they also leave the room periodically to go for a walk or have something to eat. Around now they start to say, "Just a few hours to go! You're going to make it!" It's true, of course, but I still want to be done NOW. I'm tired NOW. I want to go for a walk and get something to eat, too.

I'm reading the December Atlantic almost cover-to-cover today (Sandra Tsing Loh made me laugh out loud AND made me think kindly of Dave Ramsey, who I usually find deeply irritating) and happened on this lovely thought in the letters to the editor: "Well-being is not the absence of disease or disorder; it is living life with purpose and meaning, in a caring community."

Persistent Fatigue

2010-11-18T17:43:00.004-06:00

I've heard that chemotherapy can cause people to feel tired in a way that sleep does not remedy. I'm starting to find out what that means. I'm a week and a half past my last treatment, which I have come to expect would mean I feel well, but I'm still tired most of the time. I can muddle through the day but have no energy to spare.

One of the effects of this that disturbs me most is that I don't want to write. Usually I write because things just seem worth writing about and I want to share them but these days that's not happening.

Maybe an occasional photo will subsitute for now.

Round 8 & Ear Infection

2010-11-10T10:34:00.002-06:00

I am posting today primarily because this blog is my homepage and I cannot bear to look at that depressing picture of myself anymore. This post will push the photo far enough down the page that I don't have to keep seeing it.

So, Round 8 started yesterday. I'm hooked up to the pump until tomorrow. I feel pretty crummy but Jude distracted me last night with a nasty earache. He was up several times with severe pain in his ear, but this morning he seems fully recovered.

Ben's parents are here this week to help with things while I rest. I am always amused and pleased to have his mom here because it is her great pleasure to do laundry and generally get things in order. My house always looks much better when she heads home.

Cancer is My Delilah

2010-11-05T16:03:00.001-06:00

Samson told Delilah, "If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.” (Judges 16:17)

The Cute & The Melancholy

2010-11-04T09:14:00.007-06:00

The Cute

And now, the obligatory Halloween-costume photos:

Pirates and superheroes love to dance.

Beware! Ye dare not cross the dread pirate Jude.

Aargh! Me glass eye itches!

Pastor Ben dressed as a regular guy with candy and temporary tattoos.

We didn't trick-or-treat door-to-door this year, and no child was the wiser. Our church's preschool hosts an indoor Halloween party that was PERFECT for our gang. About an hour of trick-or-treating at tables in the gym and each table had a simple game for the kids to play. Sam went around two or three times and came home loaded with candy. Jude mostly hung around our table. Owen found a non-parent grown-up buddy and I don't know what he was doing but he sure was happy.

**********************

The Melancholy

I'm feeling pretty low these days. This is my "good" week - no chemo - and I feel run down all the time. Maybe it's a cold virus; maybe it's the cumulative effect of chemo. No telling. I've been resting a lot for a couple of days but my body still feels worn. Oh, I will be so glad when I get to the last round!

Pastor/Dad

2010-11-01T11:26:00.003-06:00

Jude attends preschool at our church and today they had chapel with Ben. Here is Jude's report:

J: Today, we had chapel, but Pastor was late because Pastor was watching the birds and forgot. We laughed at Pastor!

Me: Who is Pastor?

J: Dad!

Owen: Who is your dad?

J: My dad is Ben.

I Say It's My Birthday

2010-10-27T03:04:00.005-05:00

Today, at about 8:00 p.m., I will be 36 years old. Every year I remember that I was born during prime-time TV because my dad has so often told me that the nurses who delivered me were eager to finish up so they could watch the television premiere of The Poseidon Adventure. My dad, who is hilarious, e-mailed me this synopsis: "about the SS Poseidon: A big cruise boat in a storm. I remember it had: Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine and a big fat Shelly Winters. It was on TV at 8:30 that night you were born...all the nurses wanted to see it and you were getting in the way."

I'm celebrating in style this year, hooked up to the chemo pump all day and probably spending most of it in bed. On my 35th birthday, Jude had surgery for a ruptured appendix. If we have another medical issue on Oct. 27 next year, I might start to fear the anniversary of my birth.

The photo above is from a couple years ago. Check out all the hair!

Thirty-six strikes me as a more interesting landmark year than most. To wit:

I have reached child/adult equilibrium: 18 years living with parents, 18 years living away from them.
I have known Ben for half of my life. We met in marching band my first year at Northwestern.
20 years of driving! No moving violations...yet.
Four years to prepare for turning 40. Getting older is fine with me, but I'd like to do something challenging that I CHOOSE (cancer is challenging, but....) around that birthday. Run a 10K? Overseas trip? Run a 10K overseas? I've made almost no steps toward either so the possibilities are wiiiiiiide open. By then Sam would probably run with me and be at the finish line eating doughnuts before I get there. But I would still be older and wiser.

Those iTunes Folks Get Rich

2010-10-26T12:06:00.003-05:00

So, I'm sitting for chemo round 7. It's generally boring. I spend a few hours here every two weeks and am starting to feel quite at home. A couple of times I've almost dozed off waiting 10 minutes for the oncologist. There's a pillow on the exam table, why not nap?

It's also a little depressing. I feel ok right now, but as soon as I leave here I'll start to feel nasty again. The nurses here are great. They chat while they work, with patients and each other. They are unfailingly kind. Today I was near tears driving here, so bummed that I'm doing this again. But then I came in and the nurses were chatting about movies and laughing about their differing opinions. I am thankful for the energy they invest in making the hours here encouraging.

I'm also listening to some music on my computer and have plenty of time to browse iTunes. I came across a new Mavis Staples album that is nice for right now so I bought it. iTunes is the best use ever of the urge to impulse buy. I like it and I'm a little sorry I figured out how it works. At least Mavis is here to encourage me and share my pain. She sounds like a woman who knows life is hard and God is faithful.

Halfway

2010-10-18T19:32:00.003-05:00

As my kind and encouraging Facebook friends know, today was a rough day for me. I'm not bouncing back quite as swiftly as I did on the last couple rounds of chemo and I think I'm frustrated with how long this takes.

I am precisely in the middle. Six down, six to go. It seemed like a helpful landmark at first but now it seems more like I'm in the most discouraging portion of a long tunnel: I'm tired and want to get out, but turning around and going back will take as long as plugging away to the end. So I shrug my shoulders and plod along dutifully, hoping the end of the tunnel will be worth the hike.

I have taken good health for granted most of my life and now I am daily aware of chronic illness. Yesterday I took Sam with me to the bookstore to spend a giftcard (on a new cookbook! always fun) and my nose started bleeding while we were looking around. 1. It's embarrassing to walk around the bookstore pressing a couple of cheap, bloody tissues to your nose and 2. It takes the fun out of browsing.

A friend pointed me to a web site called ChronicBabe, "For Babes, who just happen to have chronic illness". I like the spirit of the site: optimistic, take-charge, there's-more-to-your-life-than-sickness. The fact that it exists, however, illuminates the energy suck of chronic illness. If you want your life to be more than the sickness you have to work at it.

I have as much help as anyone could possibly hope for. As much emotional and spiritual support as I need. There's nothing *more* that could be done to support me. I just want to be done. Today is a heavy sigh day. Here's hoping tomorrow will feel better.

Short-Term Memory Lapses

2010-10-16T20:51:00.002-05:00

I had my sixth chemotherapy treatment on Tuesday. I slept most of Wed-Fri, feeling like complete sludge. I spent those days in bed thinking that might be the rest of my life: lying in bed feeling crappy and listening to someone else have fun with my kids.

Today (Saturday) I woke up feeling much better. Still some side-effects, but not the comatose-state fatigue. Now I think my life will be fine and isn't it nice to live in my house with my cute little kids and my sweet husband?

It is as though I have no short-term memory. What I feel today generalizes into the rest of my life. I *know* what is coming - another round 8 days from now, and another 3-4 days in bed - but I don't feel it.

Now to make the want-to-do list for the next week: Try out pirate costumes on all the boys (everyone has finally agreed to Halloween pirateness, which is centered on possession of a sword). Enjoy another week of gorgeous fall weather. Declutter my house. Finish reading The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. Carve a pumpkin. The next time I come around, the weather might be too cold for me to hang around outside. I'd head south if my oncologist would come with me!

Lovely Week Overdone

2010-10-11T21:35:00.005-05:00

I have had a delightful week. One of the perks of being sick every other week is that I procrastinate less on the good weeks. I've got about 8-9 well days and this time I smashed them full.

My brother and sister-in-law visited this weekend - always fun - and the weather was purrrrrfect. We visited a pumpkin farm complete with a few farm animals that the kids got to feed. There was a dance party during which Jamie & Elisabeth taught the boys how to salsa dance. Watching the boys try to do simple dance steps AND shake their hips is hilarious. It's more of a rumpus shake.

I made a couple of trips due north to visit friends in Wisconsin; hosted some moms & kids from Jude & Owen's preschool for a morning of play in our enormous yard. A night out with Ben ("The Town" is a good flick).

Each activity is quite reasonable - a couple of hours of family fun in an otherwise quiet day. It seems, however, to be a little much for me right now. Saturday morning I fell asleep unexpectedly for three hours. I just get so hopelessly tired sometimes. It's hard to keep the brakes on for months on end when there are cute little boys and delightful friends involved. It makes me want to AARGH.

It also makes me happy that there are so many wonderful, happy things in my life. It appears that my cup runneth over.

Cancer Murder, Round 5

2010-10-05T17:57:00.006-05:00

DING! DING! End the round!

I'm mostly over the side-effects of round 5, which I had a week ago. My hands are peeling and gross but otherwise I'm in reasonably good shape.

One of the nicest things that happens for me almost every day is that I get snail mail. There are several people who regularly send me cardsand other folks who write occasionally to let me know they are thinking of me and praying for me. I LOVE snail mail.

I'm a heavy user of electronic communication and I love the convenience and frequency of it. But nothing beats a hand-written letter in my mailbox. The time it takes to put anything in the mail makes me feel loved. I aspire to write much more than I actually do, so I appreciate being at the top of other people's correspondence lists.

Another nice thing: I'll get to see a lot of out-of-town friends and family in the next month. For the next three rounds I am expecting a friend, then my mom, then my in-laws to be at our house to help with the kids on my bad days. In my non-cancer life I enjoy company; right now I feel deeply loved that anyone would come spend several days living here to help our family cope with the stress of chemo.

It seems like now that we're settled into a routine of school and work and living in our newish home I am able to recover from chemo in a shorter time. For the last couple of rounds I've had about 3 ugly days and by Saturday things start looking better. Before that I was having about 5 ugly days, including Sundays. It's hard to be out of commission on Sunday when you are married to a pastor.

I suspect, in spite of this improved perspective, that treatment days will continue to be sad for me. I can't think of a way to avoid sadness and discouragement when I'm opting in to feeling crummy for the better part of a week. Praise God that I know the sadness will pass, and that chemo will end.

Quotable

2010-10-04T07:56:00.003-05:00

Owen, at midnight, sobbing in the hallway like his (non-existent) puppy just died.

Me: "Why are you crying Owen?"

O: "Because I don't want to sleeeeeep!"

***********

Jude, on seeing a framed photograph of my parents that we unpacked this weekend, "Hey! There's Nana and Pop-Pop! Now I don't have to miss them because I can just see them right here!"

***********

Sam, while getting ready to leave for school: "Is today the mile run?"

Ben: "No, you already did the mile run. Remember?"

Sam: "Oh. I want to do it again!"

Ben: "Would you like to go running with me sometime?"

Sam: "Oh yeah! That's what I really wished."

Halloween Pumpkins, Squires Style

2010-10-02T20:02:00.002-05:00

It amuses me endlessly to watch the boys all do the same project. Here are some jack-o-lanterns we made (last weekend, when I was at my energy peak).

Far left, Owen's pumpkin. I did all the cutting, he did all the gluing. Roughly half a glue stick required.

Middle, Sam's pumpkin. He made this on his own except for the cutting of the mouth. He drew so many fierce teeth that he needed help with that.

Far right, Jude's pumpkin. I think of it as Zorro pumpkin. Jude did all the cutting and precision is not his strong suit. Enthusiasm and pride, he's got plenty.

My Gear

2010-09-27T20:39:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I will go in for round 5 of chemo. I'm getting the hang of the side effects, which means that I can fret about them and prepare for them. I've gathered a decent arsenal of supplies to combat the most annoying.

From l to r:

Air fresheners/candles. I am overly sensitive to smells these days, and after a treatment I feel like the house smells like cancer. I am employing every known air-freshening strategy: houseplants, baking soda, candles, and doo-dads that spray pleasant smelling chemicals.

Socks. My knit-o-rific friend Margarette made the pink ones for me and they're my favorite. I found some more cozy footwear at Target to round out the lot.

Gloves. Cold sensitivity is a side effect that lasts about 10 days. Now that daytime temperatures are often below 70, I don't even have to touch anything to get the tingly uncomfortable feeling in my hands. Stretchy knit gloves + ragwool fingerless gloves is my plan.

Library books. Those will help me through the long hour tomorrow night after Ben goes to work and before all the boys are in bed. Sam and Jude enjoy looking at these "new" books by themselves for a long time.

Headband. I like Buff headbands and now that my hair is unpleasantly thin this style of headband helps me feel less skimpy-haired.

Drinks that taste good warm. For the next week or so, even room-temperature beverages will be uncomfortable. If I drink something that is too cold I feel like I have a big callus in my throat. Cran*Apple juice is surprisingly delicious when microwaved for one minute and twenty seconds.

I omitted the pharmaceutical items because there's no fun in those. They are unglamorous workhorses that I appreciate but don't want to chat about.

Feeling a Little Cancer Vixen

2010-09-25T09:43:00.002-05:00

I got a haircut yesterday. I've had chin-to-shoulder-length hair for the last several years, but since starting chemo I think I've lost about 30% of my hair. It was über thick to begin with, so most people can't tell. But I can SEE MY SCALP! I've never seen my scalp before. It's very pale.

I'm feeling a little bit Cancer Vixen about this, like I'm outsmarting the hair loss. Optimistic, isn't it? At least I can strap on a bandana or a hat and it will cover everything.

We have a Cancer Vixen notecard hanging on the kitchen cupboard and the boys are very enthusiastic about he woman's aggressive stance. They like to talk about Mom fighting cancer. It's very sweet. I think they imagine me kicking and punching a bad guy. It's a much more inspiring image than sleeping and not eating to beat the bad guy.

What Owen is Thinking

2010-09-19T21:34:00.002-05:00

If you have ever spent a night at my house, you know that Owen likes to talk to himself at night. Sometimes he does it at bedtime, but often he wakes at midnight, or 3:00 a.m., and talks for an hour. I've asked him why he does this and he tells me, "I like to talk in my bed."

A few nights ago I was awake listening to him and decided to tape a little.

Cancer Murder, Round 4: Courage?

2010-09-18T12:00:00.003-05:00

I think I've survived round 4. When I got unhooked on Thursday my nurse cheered for me because I'm one-third done. I keep thinking, "I have to do this 8 more times?" I'll save my cheering for round 12.

There is a lot of interesting stuff around cancer survivorship. I got a Cancer Vixen card from a friend today. Someone else told me about a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer. Something about colon cancer and sexy doesn't match up for me. But it does draw my attention to the courage it takes to cope with cancer.

I'm not talking about the courage of a volunteer soldier who is courageous out of duty, honor, or a sense of adventure. Mine is the courage of a draftee who realizes a little too late that he should have moved to Canada. If I'd celebrated my 35th birthday with a colonoscopy I probably would have been spared these 6 months of chemo. But I didn't know war was being declared on my lower digestive tract. So I will probably spend my 36th birthday in bed lamenting the side effects of round 7.

My household will be adding a holiday to the calendar on my last weekend being 35: Susan's 36th birthday (observed).

I think of myself as responsible, smart, curly-haired. Courageous has never been on my list of self-descriptors. I don't suppose that most people opt for situations that require courage. It's the sort of thing that you root around for when you need it. Mine comes from trusting that God is in control of everything, including this, and that He cares about me.

I think of the disciples being "terrified" when they saw Jesus walking on the water. I can relate to terrified. Jesus told them, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Ben suggested one time that it's like Jesus is dispensing courage. "Here, have some."

I'll take that.

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

2010-09-11T21:27:00.006-05:00

Jude doing the limbo. Bend at your waist, or just flop your head and giggle.

I don't know what the deal is with off-the-shoulder t-shirts. Ben says they've been doing this for a few days and call it a cave man game.

Future Harley dude.

We've had a pretty nice day. The boys have been so happy to be at home together. Sam is still warming up to the school routine and he asked me several times this morning, "Is there no school today?" He likes school but I think he was ready for a day off. These pictures are from this afternoon. My boys are so funny.

I'm the last one up tonight and had planned to read the book I just started, but realized I need to write a little and get some things off my brain.

Tuesday I will go in for round 4 of chemo. This weekend is prime time for me: 12 days past the last treatment, at the peak well-feeling. At my best I'm running at about 75% of healthy Susan mojo. Since I've pretty well narrowed my responsibilities to 1) enjoy what I can, 2) be nice to Ben, 3) take care of the kids and 4) clean the house enough to keep us from making each other ill, 75% is almost enough.

I'm still picking up new side effects though, and that is discouraging. New this week: a rash on my chest. I don't feel it -- no itchiness -- but it doesn't look great. It will tax my creative fashion juices tomorrow to dress for church. Most of my September apparel does not involve turtlenecks.

Eating is still more of an issue than I'd like. I'm sensitive to cold enough that it would be painful to eat ice cream. I'm sorry Dove bar in my freezer. I long for you, but it is not meant to be. Will you wait for me until February?

I was told early on that since chemotherapy kills fast-growing cells, it not only kills cancer cells but also some useful stuff that helps keep digestive processes working smoothly. I have a small arsenal of drugs to treat a variety of digestive disorders and use one of them most days. Including today. It's crummy.

No doubt everybody's life is an accumulation of good stuff and bad stuff. I know it's normal to be happy about some parts of my life and sad about others. Right now it all feels so smashed together that I don't know whether I'm enjoying my adorable, hilarious, happy children and our new home and all the blessings of being here or if I'm desperately sad that I have to split my time between this and cancer murder nastiness.

Owen's First Day

2010-09-09T18:40:00.005-05:00

Owen had a great first day of school. He ran out at the end of class announcing, "I did a great job playing!"

Tonight we started teaching Sam and Jude our new phone number. I think Sam almost has it memorized. Ben let each of them dial our number on his cell and see that it makes our home phone ring. They were both giggly about dialing and answering. Fun stuff.

Jude's First Day

2010-09-09T02:24:00.002-05:00

Jude started preschool today! The preschool director met with the parents this morning and made a point to mention that she loves it when kids dress themselves and come to school looking a little crazy. I think she and Jude are going to be great friends. At breakfast I pointed out that Jude's shirt was backwards from the way most people would wear it and he told me that he didn't want his school friends to see the buttons.

The thing on his head is not, technically speaking, a hat. It was a craft project from school that involved two pieces of paper stapled together. So why not put it on your head?

Budding Entomologist

2010-09-06T20:20:00.003-05:00

A friend told me once that the greatest barrier between kids and careers in science is their mothers. I don't want to be that mother, but Jude is really into bugs these days and I'm not comfortable with that.

He likes to find bugs, identify them in his 4-year-old classification system (anything long is a worm), and make up happy stories about them. Invariably the bugs he finds live in traditional nuclear family units like ours.

A few weeks ago we were sitting on the deck and noticed a dozen or so dragonflies swooping overhead. We talked about the mosquitoes they must be eating and spent a long time watching them. They are a fast and acrobatic!

Jude told me that he thinks dragonflies don't have noses. He saw one fall down one time and it didn't have a nose. I sure don't know about dragonfly noses, so we went to the library and got a book about them. Turns out that they smell with antennae. Noses are not mentioned.

This weekend I took Jude out around the church property to "look for bugs." I didn't really want to find any, but bug hunting is always a good sales pitch with Jude. The first thing we found was a dragonfly zooming around the parking lot. Jude spent about ten minutes running around trying to catch the dragonfly. "Do you think I can catch it, Mom? Hey, where did that dragonfly go? Oh there he is! Do you think I can catch him?" Running does not slow down the talking with Jude.

This morning there was a mosquito in the kitchen. Jude's solution: "We need to get a dragonfly in here!"

Cancer Murder, Round 3

2010-09-04T06:16:00.002-05:00

I hope there are some cancer cells in my body dying slow, painful deaths this week.

This round has been a lot more difficult than the last. I picked up an evil coughing disease two weeks ago and it cost me a few nights of sleep. I think that compounded the fatigue of this round. I slept about 14 hours/day for a few days this week.

It is strange to live in a body I do not recognize: Muscles with no energy; hands averse to holding a gallon of cold milk; tastebuds that don't care for chocolate or coffee; a stomach with no appetite. Where did Susan go?

The only thing I know to do is wade through these episodes one at a time, trusting that God knows what I need long before I do. This week I needed someone else to run my household and God provided. My mom and my aunt have been here with me all week. They are like magic. Sam has homework? Come sit by Nana and let's chat about the number nine. Jude is wearing a tiger costume and has turned into a dog named Fluffy? Aunt Sylvia loves tiger-dogs named Fluffy and she will scratch behind your ears.

Sam's First Day!

2010-08-26T04:28:00.003-05:00

You can't see it on his face because he was disinterested in documenting this historic day, but Sam was VERY EXCITED for school. There was a "meet & greet" at his school the day before, so we got to meet his teacher and see his new classroom. He was moderately interested in his teacher and very interested in finding his name all over the classroom. First grade teachers are smart! Put a kid's name on a few bulletin boards and he feels like a superstar.

Last year we lived two blocks from school and walked Sam every day. Here he gets to ride a school bus. Mom is happy about this (convenient!) and Sam is super happy about this. He wanted me to ride with him the first day and I thought he might be stressed when it was time to get on the bus, but the driver is warm and confident and has assigned seats for all the kids. She instructed him to go to seat 21 and off he went. He came home happier than he left. Good, good, good. Thank you, God.

At Sam's request, a photo of his incredibly awesome backpack. And his bodyguard Batman Owen.

Chemo, Round 2

2010-08-22T20:40:00.003-05:00

I might start titling these chemo-related posts "Cancer Murder." It seems to capture things better: describes the goal and explains the collateral damage to my body.

This week was round 2. I was in on Tuesday for an infusion, back on Thursday to disconnect the pump. It's weird that on Tuesday I felt just fine. Sitting for two hours for the infusion makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. I had a nice chat with my nurse, read a good story in Lorrie Moore's Birds of America.

By the time I returned on Thursday I was pretty worn out. The boys spent the day with friends on Thursday and Friday, and Ben arranged his work schedule to be home when they were. I spent most of those two days in bed. The weekend has been a little better but I'm still tired enough to look at the kids and wonder when they became so alarmingly energetic.

My hair is falling out. This is expected and discouraging. Yes, I still have plenty of hair and probably will for a long time. Coming up with fistfuls of hair in the shower makes me feel like things are falling apart, like I would not be entirely surprised to see my ear in my hand.

It is the small, persistent discouragements that bother me most right now. Death by a thousand cuts, my mom sometimes says. There's no one thing that is too much, it is the collection of all these small things that makes me want to scream.

Sewer Line Repair

2010-08-18T16:23:00.005-05:00

Last week I referred briefly to a problem with our sewer line. I think a portion of it was beginning to collapse. The line is being replaced today. It's a big project!

Have I mentioned the perks of living in a parsonage? One of them is that this huge mess in my yard is not stressful to me because someone else is in charge of this project. I am just watching and being thankful for the water flow to and from my home.

A view from the deck.

Under the deck.

Nice Things

2010-08-17T10:21:00.004-05:00

Today, an enumeration of nice things in my life.

1. Aren't they cute? Happy little boys are so much fun.

2. Today's high temperature is going to be less than 80 degrees.

3. Someone I just met two weeks ago is bringing dinner for my family tonight.

4. Sam is registered for school! A new friend from Bethel came with me yesterday and entertained the boys on the playground while I waited in line to register Sam. Then she took me to see his school, where she had arranged for the principal to give us a tour of the building. It's a beautiful building and everyone I met seemed so happy to be there. I was particularly happy to find out that Sam will have P.E. every day. He loves school and he LOOOOOOOOVES gym class.

5. Ben grilled hotdogs for dinner last night. On our deck. Our inaugural Gurnee grill night.

6. The boys and I visited Ben at work yesterday afternoon. Just for a few minutes, just because we wanted to, just because he's right across the parking lot.

7. I belong to a church where Ben is the pastor.

8. Sam comes home from Minnesota tomorrow.

9. Today is round 2 of chemo. This time I know what to expect. Chemo is not pleasant, but it is a little less stressful when it's familiar.

10. Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom and Jude stopped in while I was working to say, "Oh, Mom, the bathroom smells so gorgeous!"

Kid Pictures

2010-08-13T09:32:00.003-05:00

The day we moved in, I imagined the boys might play in the bay window just like this. It's kind of Owen to oblige my romantic fantasy.

Sam is in Minnesota this week visiting Grandma and Grandpa and having a great time playing with his cousins.
Our front yard. I wanted a picture of Jude in this great shirt/shorts set that my dad got on a trip to Belize. Seems to suit Jude's personality.

Miscellany

2010-08-11T20:11:00.007-05:00

First, a few more photos from Ben's installation. Here we are meeting a few of our new friends. Please notice that I am wearing a dress: the universal sign that Susan recognizes an occasion as super special. I may have last worn a dress at my brother's wedding two years ago.

We also only seem to get handsome-couple shots on super special occasions. Here I think the heat, humidity, stress, and joy of the day are all visible. We're a little shiny.

This evening I discovered that I can see into the church sanctuary from my kitchen. Ben is over there preparing his sermon and I can see him pacing near the altar. It's kind of cool, except that it also means you can see into my kitchen from the sanctuary. I'll be closing those blinds on Sunday mornings.

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I'm not the only who has been tired! This photo was taken at 6:00 one evening. Jude is reading my Harriet the Spy book that is roughly 25 years old. The next morning he told me it was a good book.

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Poor Owen was sick last night. He threw up four times, never into the toilet. This generated several loads of laundry, and I've been warned that our sewer line needs to be repaired and it's best if I space out laundry/dishwasher loads so we don't get any backup. I remembered this advice at midnight as I started load 3. Got to use the handy delay feature on my machine. This morning the vomit was all washed away and there was no water in my basement.

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I have been feeling MUCH better this week. I've been sleeping and eating normally for a few days now. It's so pleasant! I saw my oncologist this week and it sounds like I am doing fine. Every time I go in they take blood and check things like my white blood cell count, hemoglobin, and other mysterious numbers that tell something about how I am handling chemo.

I told my doctor about the side effects I've had, especially the fatigue that was more intense than I expected. She looked sad but neither surprised nor concerned. Apparently the side effects come out differently for every individual person, but tend to be the same (and eventually intensify) from one round to the next.

Would you believe that I have already lined up people to take all 3 of my children on each of two days next week? If I were inclined to believe in karma I would have to give it up by now. I am receiving far more care from others than I could possibly have earned in 35 years. I will chalk it up to God's grace.