Sam's First Day!

You can't see it on his face because he was disinterested in documenting this historic day, but Sam was VERY EXCITED for school. There was a "meet & greet" at his school the day before, so we got to meet his teacher and see his new classroom. He was moderately interested in his teacher and very interested in finding his name all over the classroom. First grade teachers are smart! Put a kid's name on a few bulletin boards and he feels like a superstar.

Last year we lived two blocks from school and walked Sam every day. Here he gets to ride a school bus. Mom is happy about this (convenient!) and Sam is super happy about this. He wanted me to ride with him the first day and I thought he might be stressed when it was time to get on the bus, but the driver is warm and confident and has assigned seats for all the kids. She instructed him to go to seat 21 and off he went. He came home happier than he left. Good, good, good. Thank you, God.

At Sam's request, a photo of his incredibly awesome backpack. And his bodyguard Batman Owen.

Chemo, Round 2

I might start titling these chemo-related posts "Cancer Murder." It seems to capture things better: describes the goal and explains the collateral damage to my body.

This week was round 2. I was in on Tuesday for an infusion, back on Thursday to disconnect the pump. It's weird that on Tuesday I felt just fine. Sitting for two hours for the infusion makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. I had a nice chat with my nurse, read a good story in Lorrie Moore's Birds of America.

By the time I returned on Thursday I was pretty worn out. The boys spent the day with friends on Thursday and Friday, and Ben arranged his work schedule to be home when they were. I spent most of those two days in bed. The weekend has been a little better but I'm still tired enough to look at the kids and wonder when they became so alarmingly energetic.

My hair is falling out. This is expected and discouraging. Yes, I still have plenty of hair and probably will for a long time. Coming up with fistfuls of hair in the shower makes me feel like things are falling apart, like I would not be entirely surprised to see my ear in my hand.

It is the small, persistent discouragements that bother me most right now. Death by a thousand cuts, my mom sometimes says. There's no one thing that is too much, it is the collection of all these small things that makes me want to scream.

Sewer Line Repair

Last week I referred briefly to a problem with our sewer line. I think a portion of it was beginning to collapse. The line is being replaced today. It's a big project!

Have I mentioned the perks of living in a parsonage? One of them is that this huge mess in my yard is not stressful to me because someone else is in charge of this project. I am just watching and being thankful for the water flow to and from my home.

A view from the deck.

Under the deck.

Nice Things

Today, an enumeration of nice things in my life.

1. Aren't they cute? Happy little boys are so much fun.

2. Today's high temperature is going to be less than 80 degrees.

3. Someone I just met two weeks ago is bringing dinner for my family tonight.

4. Sam is registered for school! A new friend from Bethel came with me yesterday and entertained the boys on the playground while I waited in line to register Sam. Then she took me to see his school, where she had arranged for the principal to give us a tour of the building. It's a beautiful building and everyone I met seemed so happy to be there. I was particularly happy to find out that Sam will have P.E. every day. He loves school and he LOOOOOOOOVES gym class.

5. Ben grilled hotdogs for dinner last night. On our deck. Our inaugural Gurnee grill night.

6. The boys and I visited Ben at work yesterday afternoon. Just for a few minutes, just because we wanted to, just because he's right across the parking lot.

7. I belong to a church where Ben is the pastor.

8. Sam comes home from Minnesota tomorrow.

9. Today is round 2 of chemo. This time I know what to expect. Chemo is not pleasant, but it is a little less stressful when it's familiar.

10. Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom and Jude stopped in while I was working to say, "Oh, Mom, the bathroom smells so gorgeous!"

Kid Pictures

The day we moved in, I imagined the boys might play in the bay window just like this. It's kind of Owen to oblige my romantic fantasy.

Sam is in Minnesota this week visiting Grandma and Grandpa and having a great time playing with his cousins.
Our front yard. I wanted a picture of Jude in this great shirt/shorts set that my dad got on a trip to Belize. Seems to suit Jude's personality.

Miscellany

First, a few more photos from Ben's installation. Here we are meeting a few of our new friends. Please notice that I am wearing a dress: the universal sign that Susan recognizes an occasion as super special. I may have last worn a dress at my brother's wedding two years ago.

We also only seem to get handsome-couple shots on super special occasions. Here I think the heat, humidity, stress, and joy of the day are all visible. We're a little shiny.

This evening I discovered that I can see into the church sanctuary from my kitchen. Ben is over there preparing his sermon and I can see him pacing near the altar. It's kind of cool, except that it also means you can see into my kitchen from the sanctuary. I'll be closing those blinds on Sunday mornings.

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I'm not the only who has been tired! This photo was taken at 6:00 one evening. Jude is reading my Harriet the Spy book that is roughly 25 years old. The next morning he told me it was a good book.

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Poor Owen was sick last night. He threw up four times, never into the toilet. This generated several loads of laundry, and I've been warned that our sewer line needs to be repaired and it's best if I space out laundry/dishwasher loads so we don't get any backup. I remembered this advice at midnight as I started load 3. Got to use the handy delay feature on my machine. This morning the vomit was all washed away and there was no water in my basement.

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I have been feeling MUCH better this week. I've been sleeping and eating normally for a few days now. It's so pleasant! I saw my oncologist this week and it sounds like I am doing fine. Every time I go in they take blood and check things like my white blood cell count, hemoglobin, and other mysterious numbers that tell something about how I am handling chemo.

I told my doctor about the side effects I've had, especially the fatigue that was more intense than I expected. She looked sad but neither surprised nor concerned. Apparently the side effects come out differently for every individual person, but tend to be the same (and eventually intensify) from one round to the next.

Would you believe that I have already lined up people to take all 3 of my children on each of two days next week? If I were inclined to believe in karma I would have to give it up by now. I am receiving far more care from others than I could possibly have earned in 35 years. I will chalk it up to God's grace.

Pastor Squires

The installation service was amazing. It was planned with such care and attention to our family and to the glory of God. Ben gave the benediction over a choral alleluia. Stunning!

The moment of truth... no turning back now! For me it was when the moving truck drove away and I realized all our stuff is here, so I guess we need to stay. I imagine this might have been it for Ben.

Laying hands on Ben is Pastor Jahn, the circuit counselor for our area LCMS churches. Witnessing is our dear friend Tom Chryst, a friend from the seminary who is a pastor in southern Wisconsin.

A stack o' Squires.

Fatigue

A few days ago I said I wasn't sure fatigue was from the chemo. I am now sure.

I have been completely wiped out for two days. First my bones felt like lead. Then like wet noodles. Then like dust. I think they are beginning to reconstitute today.

Side Effects

I tried to get a photo of the pump that delivers the at-home portion of my treatment, but it's kind of awkward. The pump rides in a fanny pack (sexy!) and I have several feet of tube leading to the port in my chest. The pump will be with me until tomorrow.

There are lots of possible side effects to this course of treatment, many of which probably will not happen to me, others that might come up later. Here's what I've had so far:

1. Cold sensitivity: My sister alerted me to this one. Consuming cold food or drink is unpleasant. I wear cotton gloves to handle things from the refrigerator. Hand washing? Let the water warm up before rinsing!

2. Showering: It's complicated. The pump can't get wet, and the port on my chest should stay out of the water spray. Today I tried handing the pump fanny pack over the shower rod. It worked out ok but I was very aware of being leashed.

3. Weak stomach: Ben and I watched a movie last night with an unexpectedly brutal scene of decapitation-by-fish-tank. I took an anti-nausea pill and skipped the end of the movie.

4. Sweetness from Sam: All the boys are curious about the pump and talk a lot about the medicine I'm getting. Last night at dinner, Sam tacked on his own prayer after grace: "please let the medicine make mom feel better." Later that night Sam and I had a long chat about cancer and medicine and that I will keep going to the doctor for this until after Christmas. He was interested but not anxious and then we changed tracks as soon as Christmas came up. "That's when Santa Claus comes!"

5. Fatigue: Is this a side-effect of chemo? Who could possibly know. There are so many reasons for me to be tired. My nurse called this morning to see how I was feeling and she made a point to tell me to take care of myself. "I know that will be hard with 3 little boys and a new house, but other things can wait," she said. It's nice to have a personal coach for coping with medically-recommended poison.

Chemo Round One

What a 21st century moment: chemo drugs dripping into my veins while I use the wireless internet access provided by the oncology practice. Eager for a from-the-field report on my treatments? Today, I will oblige.

Ben came with me today for comfort and because the doctor will not allow me to drive myself home until we see how I respond to treatment. The treatment room is a large, bright area with a little more than a dozen armchairs paired with IV poles. I came to this room first to have blood drawn. Drawing blood revealed the value of having a port: no vein hunting! Just plug and go.

Then I saw my oncologist. Mostly she asked about the move and my sister (who has the same cancer diagnosis and is in the midst of the same course of chemo). I suppose next time we'll talk about side effects of treatment.

Now I'm back in the treatment room, settled in for a couple of hours while the drugs drip. There are about 10 other people here getting infusions of various durations. I just heard a nurse talking to someone who is going to be here all day.

The nurses are great. They are bright and chatty and upbeat. My nurse told me she's been in oncology for about a year after a decade in neonatal care. She says this is a great job because she feels like she's really helping people. I love meeting people who are doing work that suits them so well. For me it would be hard to cope with so much sickness every day.

I'll go home with a pump to infuse a second drug over 46 hours. Then Thursday I'll return to get disconnected. Stay tuned - maybe I'll even post a photo.

House Pics

A few people have requested more pictures of our house. I am happy to share! I love it. We are blessed to be here.

A view from our deck. The boys and I are big fans of the fenced-in yard. I can boot them out on their own and they have discovered the joy of pawing in the dirt under the deck. Sam can also hit a baseball over the fence, which feels like a big-league homerun.
I thought Owen liked his bed, but today he prefers the floor.
Our living room. So big. So full of bookshelves. So bright. It's fantastic. That's a bay window in front and the dining room is at the right end of the window. Makes a circle with the kitchen. I'm a fan of the open arrangement.

Five Days In

Move-in week is finally ending. We've been in our new home for about five days and enough has happened to fill five weeks. Everything has gone very well and I will be glad for life to slow down sometime soon.

We arrived in Gurnee on Tuesday afternoon and met several church members who were working on our beautiful home. We slept on the floor that night and the boys enjoyed eating breakfast without a table.

On Wednesday my parents arrived, the movers brought all our things, and I went exploring with the boys. We found a great playground, the community aquatic center, and drove around Gurnee Mills shopping mall to see what's there. It's big.

Ben and I met with an oncology nurse on Thursday to find out more about what to expect from my chemo. The likely side effects seem to be fatigue, hypersensitivity to cold temperatures (no icy drinks), and mouth sores. There are oodles of other things that might happen, but we just have to wait and see how my body responds. I'll start treatments this Tuesday.

On Friday Ben left for a conference in Springfield, Ill. Having my parents here has rescued my sanity. Together we've entirely unpacked the kitchen, living room, playroom, and kids' bedroom. Some friends from Manitowoc came for a night and brought handy know-how and dinner. Getting settled has been a big team effort.

This morning we attended worship at Bethel. It was lovely. My post-service mingling was limited by the fact that Owen fell asleep on my shoulder during the last hymn, but I felt warmly welcomed.