Baseball Sam

Sam has been playing t-ball for the first time this summer. He is awesome. I didn't make it to any games, but Ben caught a nice action shot.

It's an 8-week program and even though my surgery, our move, and some rain cut it down to a 2-game series Sam made the most of it.

Cancer Makes Me Grumpy

Friday's procedure to insert the port for chemo went well. I had to leave my glasses behind with my clothes, so when I rolled into the surgery room I was fully alert but couldn't see clearly. I didn't care for that. The nurses were great at making small talk to keep me relaxed until the surgeon arrived but staring at those huge lights and listening to clanking metal instruments and knowing one of them is for slicing skin. Ugh.

This port is exceedingly uncomfortable. It itches, it aches, and it's just THERE. I suppose I'll get used to it eventually but right now I am incapable of forgetting about it. For the last few days it's been a little harder to stay in the moment. That's my stress-management strategy: focus only on what is happening today. I am mentally wandering off into the move, the next six months of poison drips, the side effects...

Cancer is stupid. If I saw cancer on the playground, I would push it down the slide head first. I would catch it on the monkey bars and pull its pants down. And I would not feel sorry.

Chemo Port

Tomorrow morning I'll have a procedure to insert a port for chemotherapy. It sounds like this is going to be in my chest. I'm picturing a discreet lump near my collarbone.

If I were svelte, I would be very disappointed with how my bikini season is going. Between the port and the six-inch incision through my belly-button, I feel a little like Frankenstein's monster.

Household Experiments

Dinner

I'm trying to use up the food we already have to cut down on what we move. We have lots of taco shells and seasoning packets but no ground meat, so I tried out using chicken breasts. It was great! The chicken wasn't thawed, so I put it in a big saucepan with a can of tomatoes and a packet of seasoning. It simmered for a few hours and pulled apart nicely. Added a can of beans, topped with grated bits of chunk cheese & celebrated quietly when all the boys ate it.

Skin Care

A couple of weeks ago I tried getting my legs waxed and was instructed to exfoliate so the hairs don't become ingrown. I have no idea when I last exfoliated anything. I was going to go buy something, but then checked online for an exfoliating mixture using household items. I concocted my own using stuff in the cupboard and it worked very nicely: kosher salt + olive oil + tea tree essential oil. I put my legs in the tub for this project so I wouldn't drip stuff anywhere else. That worked fine except that when I showered the floor was pretty slippery.

Packing

Packing is not nearly as time consuming for me as sorting. Today I went through several of my desk drawers and found: lots of photos, a book of temporary tattoos, stickers, and a $20 gift card for Target. That gift card bit is a little embarrassing. It was given to us when Owen was born. He's 3! I think it arrived around the time we moved to Milwaukee and you know, life's been complicated.

I will be a little ad for Target gift cards, though. I spent the card this afternoon (on medicine for ear-infected Jude!) and it had lost no value. Apparently there is no expiration date or fee. Nice.

The Plan: Installation, Moving, Chemo

I've been procrastinating about writing this post for a couple of days because there is so much to tell. The timeline for the rest of our summer is becoming clear and I am profoundly relieved by that. I am also exhausted because it is going to be a test of our endurance.

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The Call

You may know that Ben has accepted a call to Bethel Lutheran Church in Gurnee, IL. We are so excited about becoming a part of Bethel. We haven't even moved yet and we are being very warmly welcomed. Ben will be installed on Sunday, August 8 at 4:00 p.m.

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The Move

Our first night in our new home will be July 27. We are moving into a parsonage and the congregation is doing oodles of awesome things to the house for us. Flooring, paint, fencing... even knocking down a wall at my request. It feels like a tangible expression of God's grace. We certainly haven't done anything to deserve this generous treatment.

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The Chemo

On Friday we were able to meet with an oncologist in Illinois who will continue my treatment. I lost a lot of sleep in anticipation of meeting her because I could not imagine how the requirements of chemo would line up with the timeline for our move. The doctor is sympathetic to how complicated this is and very helpful. I will have a surgical procedure here in Milwaukee next week to insert a port. The day after we move, Ben and I will see an oncology nurse to learn the details about chemo. Then, the first Tuesday in August I'll have my first treatment.

The chemotherapy I'm having is called "folfox." When the woman at the appointment desk said, "You're getting the folfox treatment," I thought she'd said "full fox." Like a spa treatment. Come in frumpy, leave foxy. She meant that I'd need four hours for treatment.

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The Boys

Sam, Jude and Owen are great little guys. Their lives could hardly be more confusing than they are right now. Our house is full of boxes and every day familiar things disappear from the bookshelves and walls. Ben and I are not our most patient selves (to put it mildly). The boys are chipper when we describe the move -- eager for the new house, new schools, new church. We are all waiting and impatient and unsettled. We can see the effects in them: emotional outbursts, less sleep, more impatience. It will be good to finish this big transition.

Weight Limits

Saw the surgeon today for follow-up visit. He says I'm healing nicely and that I should not lift anything over 25 lbs. for the next month. How many boxes would it take to pack my entire house in 25-pounds-or-less portions?

My optimism about the move is waning today. Is it possible that I will make it safely out of this house with one husband, three children and all our worldly possessions?

The Boys are Home!

The boys are back in town. Ben, Sam & Jude came home last night and it's been 2+ weeks since the five of us were together. We are delighted to see each other and some of us have forgotten how to negotiate kindly with our brothers. Today has given us lots of time to practice.

We are planning to move during the last week of July and last week I met with my favorite realtor on the planet, Jackie Trettin. She helped us get the house we live in now, which I love. When she came by to talk about selling the house, I told her the day's task was to assuage my anxiety about having to sell. I'm feeling much better now that we have a plan.

I also met with a genetic counselor on Friday. I am very young to have colon cancer and it happens that my sister was similarly diagnosed just a few months ago. That coincidence and our young ages suggests there may be a genetic anomaly that caused the cancer to develop. For an hour the genetic counselor described, with the aid of a "colon cancer flip book," what might be going on and how we might find out for sure. At the end, I swished a lot of Scope and spit into a plastic tube so my DNA can be tested. It was like a super slow-mo CSI scene minus the soundtrack.

The grand finale of my week alone with Owen was a Saturday trip to the pediatrician to diagnose an ear infection. It wasn't a big deal and he's much better today, but I cried when I realized he was sick. I long for an uneventful day.

Finally, to celebrate our reunion:

More Help Than I Deserve Edition

Sunday night Ben drove back to St. Louis for his last week of class. Owen and I have been on our own this week but rarely alone. We've had friends come visit, other friends take Owen for part of a day, my brother is coming to stay with us for tonight. I have no idea what I'd be doing without all this help.

Owen has figured out that I am less able than usual. He's getting a little sassy and I don't have the strength (it's not safe for me to lift him yet) or energy to get him into shape. This afternoon I fell into a pit of crankiness. I'm recovering well from the surgery but just feel achy and annoyed and tired.

Then I go to my mailbox and find it full of cards from loving friends & family. Some of them have thoughtful notes, many encourage me that God is with me and lots of people are praying for our family. Personal mail is such a treat. I love it.

Some days I cannot imagine why so many people are being so kind and thoughtful of me. I'm sure I don't deserve all this kindness. Anyway, I'm very glad for it.