I am precisely in the middle. Six down, six to go. It seemed like a helpful landmark at first but now it seems more like I'm in the most discouraging portion of a long tunnel: I'm tired and want to get out, but turning around and going back will take as long as plugging away to the end. So I shrug my shoulders and plod along dutifully, hoping the end of the tunnel will be worth the hike.
I have taken good health for granted most of my life and now I am daily aware of chronic illness. Yesterday I took Sam with me to the bookstore to spend a giftcard (on a new cookbook! always fun) and my nose started bleeding while we were looking around. 1. It's embarrassing to walk around the bookstore pressing a couple of cheap, bloody tissues to your nose and 2. It takes the fun out of browsing.
A friend pointed me to a web site called ChronicBabe, "For Babes, who just happen to have chronic illness". I like the spirit of the site: optimistic, take-charge, there's-more-to-your-life-than-sickness. The fact that it exists, however, illuminates the energy suck of chronic illness. If you want your life to be more than the sickness you have to work at it.
I have as much help as anyone could possibly hope for. As much emotional and spiritual support as I need. There's nothing *more* that could be done to support me. I just want to be done. Today is a heavy sigh day. Here's hoping tomorrow will feel better.
1 comments:
If it helps, I'm sighing with you. I want you to be done. Not just done, but long gone done. Distant memory done. Can't quite remember the details done.
You'll get there. But first you've got this job to do.
The middle of the tunnel is the darkest, but from now on each day you are an interval closer to the light. Being half done is better than not.
I hope tomorrow is better. Sigh.
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