Separation Anxiety

This week Samuel and Jude are visiting my parents in Kentucky. It sounds like they are having a great time, and I am certainly enjoying the peace and quiet in my house. Owen sleeps a lot and makes messes only in small spaces. Yesterday I mopped the floor, and today it is still not sticky.

Samuel and Jude's vacation is making me realize how much I feel like I am four people. I miss them a little bit all the time. The fact that little kids have almost no personal boundaries is the fantastic/trying fact of full-time parenting. (I also love Ben very much, but neither of us is surprised when reminded of our separateness.)

I spend a lot of time looking at Owen and trying to get to know him. Sometimes I don’t recognize him. He doesn’t have my husband’s nose or eyes like his big brother. I can see that he looks like his birthfamily, but they are not deeply familiar to me in the way of my own family.

While I ponder our differences, I realize Owen is looking at me and probably thinks he is looking at himself. I feel confident in his attachment to me. I’m the only one who analyzes our budding relationship.

I also know what’s coming: in a few months, he’ll probably cry when I walk away from him. He will be sad when I go away, and delighted when I come back. It may be a quirk of adoptive parenting that I secretly love that stage, but when I am THE ONE who can fix all of life’s problems just by showing up, I know I've got job security.