This post is part of a book tour of Found: A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. The end of this post will guide you to other bloggers who are participating in the tour.
I am the adoptive mother of three boys, each from a different birthfamily, each placed with us during the first several weeks of his life. We have open relationships with our sons’ birthfamilies and get to see them regularly. God bless Facebook! When our sons were born, we were still making plans about schedules for mailing letters and photos. Now we keep in touch through Facebook posts and photos. This blog exists in part because I wanted our sons’ birthfamilies to be able to know how the boys are as often - or as infrequently - as they needed.
Lauck's memoir about coming to terms with her identity as an adoptee was compelling, agitating, challenging... all kinds of things for me but none of them easy. Now to the 3 questions I chose to address in this tour.
1. On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?
The specificity of this passage struck me as far-fetched: "outrage, panic and terror" that leads to shock-related unconsciousness? How on earth would we know this is what's happening? Newborn babies sleep a lot and coping with life in the outside world is stressful. She lost me.
However... I clearly recall walking down the hall in the maternity unit at the hospital after my oldest son was born. He was in the bassinet with his birthmom walking on one side and me on the other. She and I were talking and I noticed he turned toward her when she spoke. What a reminder that she is his first mom, that his bond with her, his need for her, is unique and I do not replace her. I consider it a part of my responsibility as his adoptive mother to nurture his connection with his birthmom so that he can feel secure in the knowledge that he has been loved since before he was born. I also want him to understand that I respect his relationship with his birthfamily.
2. In reading this book, I, an adoptive mother, was struck by how less than ideal Jennifer's childhood was. My instinct is to blame the death of her adoptive parents and the subsequent bouncing around, abuses, etc that she suffered, for her trauma and feelings of abandonment as opposed to looking to the fact that she was adopted. Obviously I have a vested interest in this perception and I am acutely aware of this and that I need to force my mind to stay open to see the entire picture. I wonder what others think...am I alone in trying to downplay the adoption issue? Is her experience magnified because of her repeated experiences of trauma/abandonment or are her feelings fairly typical of adult adoptees?
Ditto! This is the overriding question for me. How does Lauck’s experience relate to my sons’ experiences? Apart from being adopted, their lives seem completely different. I appreciate that every adopted child suffers a loss when separated from his or her birthparents, but the adoption process is - in our experience - infinitely more open and, I would say, healthier than Lauck’s. I think there is much to be gained from hearing Lauck’s experience and I think that the variables matter. Every child needs security and unconditional love, and perhaps Lauck’s story suggests that being adopted may, for some children, intensify the need for reassurance.
Among my three children I see wide variations in their natural ability to comfort and reassure themselves and to trust that they are loved and valuable. One of my children seems more susceptible than his brothers to feeling insecure or inferior, while another of my children interprets most of life as basically fair and readily applauds his own successes. I cannot explain these differences. I do try to work with them to give each child what he seems to need from me.
3. My question is about Jennifer's early adoption narrative as "God's gift". because I see my adopted son as a gift from God. Jennifer turns this metaphor on its ear when after hearing her brother's declaration, "You're adopted and gypsy trash". She seems to suggest that that early narrative was misleading and, ultimately, the cause of her feelings of inadequacy and failure because she was unable to save her mother's life. How do you talk your children about their adoption story, particularly when they are very young and unable to grasp all of life's complexities?
The circumstances of Lauck’s adoption are appalling to me. Special favors from a doctor who is willing to ignore the adoptive mother’s major health issues? A family who simultaneously labels a child “stubborn” and interprets her existence in the family as a sign that God will heal her adoptive mother? No child, whether she is raised in her family of birth or an adoptive family, deserves that responsibility. I consider my children a gift from God, but I do not mean that God has sent them to reassure me or to make my life easier. It means He has entrusted them to me and I depend on Him to supply what I need to care for them.
I suppose that I talk to my children about being adopted in a pretty matter-of-fact way. I want to assure them that they have always been loved without saying anything we’ll need to unwind later. We talk about how the kids grew inside their birthmoms, and that we are so thankful that we get to be their mom and dad. I try to honor the distinctive roles of their birthparents, who gave them life and chose us to raise them, and of us as adoptive parents, who nurture them now and always. We think of our sons' birthfamilies as extended family. We are all thankful for each other’s unique role in the life of our family and want to be present for the sake of these boys.
